**Content warning: discussions of suicide**
“You should be ashamed of yourself for doing this to your family,” the medic in the ambulance informed me. That is all I remember before waking up in a sterile emergency room after, for the second time, attempting to overdose on painkillers. This was roughly two and a half years ago, at a time in my life that I have fought hard to move past. Shaming comments like these have been the main reason why I have been afraid to tell my story — but I am not afraid anymore.
According to an article published by Neumann University, suicide is the second leading cause of death among 20-24 year olds. And, although there are resources on and off campus for students experiencing symptoms of a mental illness, recognizing key warning signs remains an issue for many. This is likely because college students tend to brush off warning signs as typical college-related stressors. However, this dismissive mindset can be detrimental to one’s mental and emotional state, and can inhibit academic success and personal growth.
Recognizing what is normal, healthy stress and what is an abnormal, unhealthy thinking pattern — such as persistent feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness — is critical in ensuring a mental illness doesn’t go untreated. I’ve experienced symptoms of depression and anxiety since I was 15 years old. However, I refused to recognize them as I didn’t want to be marked as “crazy,” or “not good enough,” so I hid behind a forced smile until, eventually, normal functioning seemed impossible. From the outside I looked fine. But I wasn’t.
The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) notes persistent sadness, feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest in hobbies or interests, difficulty sleeping and more as common symptoms of depression. However, symptoms can look different for everyone.
During my first two and half years of college, I would frequently isolate myself from friends and family, coming up with various excuses as to why I couldn’t make it to social events. I was afraid of having a panic attack or an uncontrollable crying spell. Skipping class became the norm, as I didn’t see the point in attending. My college career, like many other aspects of my life, didn’t seem to matter anymore.
Looking back, I realize that I had access to abundant resources that could have helped me cope; I simply refused to admit that I had a mental illness. It was shameful, something I could never admit to out loud. Looking back, I realize that I had a support system I failed to utilize for fear of being stigmatized. Looking back, I should have accepted help. After all, that’s what trained professionals have dedicated their lives to. College students should feel no shame in asking for help. Perhaps, it is the most admirable, brave thing one can do — accepting that it is OK to not be OK.
Prioritizing mental health is something that, as students, is easier said than done. Between lengthy lectures, part-time jobs and mounds of homework, taking the time to take care for your mental state all too often falls on the back burner. It’s time to make a change. In the long run, taking care of oneself, from the inside out, should always be at the top of one’s to-do list.
Practicing key coping mechanisms on a day-to-day basis, like meditation and breathing exercises or dropping by the Counseling Center for a quick emotional check-in, is something students with even the busiest of schedules can do to help keep depressive episodes in check. By practicing daily self-care rituals, along with more intensive treatment options — such as prescribed medication and forming a strong foundation with a psychiatrist or psychologist — successfully managing a mental illness as a college student is more than possible.
According to the Counseling Center’s annual report for the 2016-2017 academic year, 4,914 individual students utilized the Counseling Center throughout the academic year. Hopefully that number will only rise as even students who are not diagnosed with a mental illness can benefit from learning how to cope with stress and anxiety, and tackling issues within personal relationships and more.
All too often, students suffering from depression hear the designated “don’t worry, it gets better” consolidation phrase. Personally, when I was in my darkest place, hearing these words of “advice” were frustrating. I was unable to see a future in which I was not sad. I was unable to see a hope that so many others saw in me.
Coming from someone who has been through waves of depression that, at the time, seemed unconquerable, I can guarantee that recovery is more than possible — and it does get better. And as I am preparing for graduation, and a new chapter of my life full of limitless possibilities, I have never felt freer.
For students seeking help for a mental illness, contact the NC State Counseling Center at (919) 515-2423. In the case of a mental health emergency, call the National Suicide Hotline number at 1(800)273-TALK (8255).
