The Aziz Ansari incident has blown up around the United States recently, inciting a very challenging conversation about sexual assault and sexual misconduct. Moments like these, as unfortunate as they are for the offended, offer learning opportunities for everyone, but more specifically men. 

For those not abreast of the situation, Aziz Ansari went out with a woman who Babe.net calls by the pseudonym ‘Grace’. After a brief meal, she was invited over to his Tribeca apartment, where Ansari, according to Grace, aggressively pushed for sex. Grace, by her account, gave verbal and nonverbal cues that she did not want to have sex with him — cues that Ansari, to his account, was unaware of. Babe.net published Grace’s account of her night with Ansari, detailing the events that led up to her going home crying in an Uber.

Since the Babe article was posted, many questions have risen about this incident: was it sexual assault? What counts as sexual misconduct? Was this just a bad date? Should Ansari lose his job?

To answer the first question — “was it sexual assault?” — in the realm of legality, and in my personal opinion, the answer is no. Grace does acknowledge to voluntarily performing sexual acts on him, although it must be said she felt pressured to do so and did tell him to stop. His response was to momentarily stop and, again in Grace’s account, to then again pressure her for sex until she got upset and left. However, our second question frames the core of the lesson for men about this incident. His behavior was unquestionably sexual misconduct and behavior that should be condemned, not brushed aside as normal occurrence in dating.

I hear the phrase, “Ansari did nothing wrong” from a vast majority of men. They are not wrong in a legal sense; however, we as individuals, as men in society, should let our treatment or respect for women not just stop at the bare minimum of the law. Men need to hold themselves to a higher standard of behavior — hold themselves to the moral law that does not condone or normalize aggressive sexual behavior against women.

The reason why is because if men just use the law as a guideline for their behavior toward

 women, it condones many harmful behaviors, and a sense of entitlement over women’s bodies. For example, North Carolina law dictates that women cannot revoke consent after it is first given, which is an absurd notion that takes a woman’s ability to exercise power in their sexual encounters. 

This incident was not a bad date, but an all-too-commonplace, harrowing experience for women. The reason why Ansari’s behavior is so alarming for me is the fact that he thought his actions were normal and made assumptions of consent without directly addressing if his partner wanted to be kissed.

This occurrence is commonplace in American society — especially on college campuses, where there are plenty of guys who can relate to Ansari’s behavior. We men have all done something to make women regret spending their time with us, and that needs to stop. Men have to figure out how we can better respect women in both the workplace and our private lives. Respect for women has no physical limits; it is not cordoned off into one space like the workplace — it needs to be practiced in private spaces as well.

Another lesson to draw from this encounter is the importance of communication. Ansari did not honestly express his sexual intentions with Grace prior to meeting up with her. This is an all-too-common occurrence in the dating scene which contributes a lot of grief for women.

For one, it plays into this archaic idea that women have to be convinced to have sex, an idea that looks upon women as objects to be acted upon, instead of affirming their agency by communicating the desire for sex, which would allow them choice and power over whether sex occurs or not. This is a very scary thing for men to think about.

Even with all this said, I do not think Ansari should lose his show because of this incident. He is a creep, no question, if all this is true. Canceling his show would not give Grace justice; it will do nothing for her suffering.

This incident highlights how much ground there is left to cover in the issue of respecting women. There is much work to be done in order to make sure women are safe in both the workplace and behind closed doors. Further, men have to take greater consideration for what it means to respect women.

One step male students on campus can take to become better individuals is educating themselves about women’s issues. Thankfully there is a whole Women’s Center that programs events surrounding women’s issues and gender equity. Also, there are multiple student organizations and initiatives students can join to expose themselves to issues like sexual assault and domestic violence.

Look, sex is great. It can be a beautiful expression of intimacy between two people that leads to greater emotional and physical fulfillment in a relationship. It could also be a one-night stand where two people quickly connect for a passionate expression of want and desire. However, all of that said, sex can be a terrible and a horrid experience, especially for women. It can lead to lack of self-esteem, an inability to love oneself and, worse, it keeps women from being able to enjoy themselves as much as their partners do.