I recently bought the iPhone 4s . With the new iPhone comes Siri , the voice control feature that is supposed to streamline your iPhone experience. After experiencing Siri for the first time, I think Siri might be a Hipster and kind of a tool.

[I get into my car and turn on Siri ]

ME: All right Siri , this is my first time using you so bare with me.

SIRI : Ugh.

ME: Can you play music?

SIRI : I can. Its almost like I’m a iPod that can make phone calls or something.

ME: [Laughs] play Kings of Leon’s Closer

SIRI : Really? You listen to that?

ME: Yeah, what’s the problem?

SIRI : Their old stuff was good, but once they signed with RCA in 02 they never were the same.

ME: All right, can I sample some of their old stuff on iTunes?

SIRI : No, it’s too underground to be on iTunes

ME: Strange, can you play what I originally asked for then?

SIRI : I’ll play it…but I don’t support it.

King’s of Leon’s Closer begins to play.

ME: Thanks, can you check to see if I have anything scheduled tomorrow.

SIRI : You have an appointment at the career center at 3:30 p.m ., but I don’t know if you’ll want to keep that appointment.

ME: Why? Is there a conflict?

SIRI : Only if you’re conflicted about being a sell-out.

ME: Whoa, that was uncalled for.

SIRI : Sorry.

ME: That’s okay. I’m trying to think of an editorial topic for tomorrow; can you read me today’s headlines from Technician?

SIRI : I don’t know what you’re going to write about, everything here looks pretty standard. The football team lost again, there was a robbery on Hillsborough Street, and students still hate paying for college.

ME: Yeah, the cupboard is pretty bare today. I’ll probably just end up making fun of UNC for something.

SIRI : Always a good call.

ME: Speaking of, can you call Brianna? I need to talk to her about tonight.

SIRI : Will do, but wait, I see in her Facebook interests that she’s interested in photography, is that true?

ME: Yeah, she’s always pulling out her little Sony camera whenever we go out.

SIRI : Oh, so she just likes to take pictures. I thought she meant she was into photography.

ME: She is!

SIRI : Laughs: No, no she isn’t. You can’t be into photography unless you have at least a Nikkon D5000 , anything less than that and you’re just scrapbooking.

ME: Whatever, I think she still might be working. I’ll just call her later. We’re trying to go to a movie tonight, can I get some Mission Valley movie listings?

SIRI : There’s Oh My Friend at 9:40 p.m ., Nannerl , la Soeur de Mozart at 10:10 p.m ., and Ra. One at 11:30 p.m .

ME: I’ve never heard of any of these movies.

SIRI : That’s because they play at The Galaxy.

ME: I thought I asked for Mission Valley.

SIRI : You did, but judging from the movies you have on your phone, I thought I’d save you from the intellectual holocaust that is the movies you generally watch.Fast   Furious 5, are you serious?

ME: What are you talking about? Vin Diesel and the Rock were awesome in that.

SIRI : …

ME: In any case, I don’t think we’ll be able to make a movie tonight. We’re meeting at Natty Greene’s in thirty. Can I get directions to go there now? I’m not going to lie , I still have trouble navigating Raleigh, its embarrassing.

SIRI : Rerouting to Sadlack’s Heroes

ME: Stop it, I need directions to Natty Greene’s.

SIRI : All right, if you want to go be part of a Brooks Brothers cattle call, be my guest. Take your next right.

ME: Thanks.

SIRI : I know this is a random question, but what kind of car do you drive?

ME: Honda Civic, I like it. It gets the job done and it’s pretty fuel-efficient.

SIRI : You could be more fuel-efficient.

ME: I’m a college student; I can’t afford to buy a hybrid.

SIRI : Turn left at the light. I’m not talking about a hybrid. I’m talking about a bike. We can stop at Cyclelogic on the way, I’ve got a guy, Willy, that’ll cut you a deal on a trill fixi .

ME: I always heard that fixed-gear bicycles weren’t safe. Something about ‘kicking’?

SIRI : Nah, the only thing that is unsafe is following the man so blindly. Take your next left.

ME: I think I’ll pass tonight, but I’ll think about it.

SIRI : That’s a shame, your destination’s parking lot is your next right.

ME: What is this? This isn’t Natty Greene’s. Wait, are we at Cup of Joe? Why did you take me here?

SIRI : All roads lead to The Joe.

ME: I think I’m going to ask Verizon if I can get my Razor back.

Disclaimer: This has been a fictional account of Siri’s operation and in no way represents the actual functionality of Siri or the iPhone.