There comes a time when things once hidden come into the light. A time when man must learn the truth. Superheroes are more than just characters in a comic book. They are living, breathing people who have hidden themselves for years in a secret cult. Today, they share their secrets. Straight from the Superhero Manual, I give you: How to be the perfect superhero.
1. Acquire a superpower.
Acquiring a superpower is not an easy task. There are really only three ways in which you can have a superpower. The first way is to be born with a power, as exemplified by Superman or the majority of the X-Men. It is not feasible for those who are just now trying to become a superhero. The second way is to accidentally gain powers through some freak occurrence, like Spiderman, or by a government experiment, like the Hulk or Captain America. This way is not recommended because it tends to be excruciatingly painful. The last way is to be rich. This way is the best bet for the everyday human who wants to become a superhero. Basically, design an awesome costume and pay someone you can trust tons of money to make it for you. Or, pay them to create the parts for you so that you can build it yourself.
2. Create your superhero name.
Now that you have a superpower, this is an easy step. Follow this formula: power + man/woman. For example, Spiderman has the powers of a spider therefore, spider + man = Spiderman. Easy as that! Of course, there are exceptions to the classic superhero name formula. All of the X-Men have names that do not follow the classic formula. The important thing to note about the X-Men, however, is that their names are not lame. Wolverine, Storm, and Dr. X are all threatening names. The main thing to remember is your name cannot be lame. No one will fear the wrath of Princess Pony, but they will fear the wrath of the Dark Horse.
3. Have a motivation.
You have two choices: revenge or a desire to protect. In the first case, a superhero’s original motivation is always revenge. Bruce Wayne became Batman to avenge his parent’s death. Peter Parker became a superhero to avenge his uncle’s death. Basically, someone you love must be murdered in order for you to have a motivation for revenge. In the second motivation, a superhero is motivated by the desire to protect a city, country, or loved one. This motivation is usually displayed by your goodie-two-shoes superheroes like Dr. X or Captain America. It should be noted, though, that the revenge motivation will change to the desire to protect once the death of your loved one has been avenged.
4. Find an archenemy.
For some, this is a clear-cut: Your enemy is the dude who killed your parents, wife, best friend, etc. Once he’s dead, you can move on to fighting the same type of enemies as those who are motivated by the desire to protect. This type of enemy is always going to be a guy with a stupid name like Magneto. But, be careful. When it comes to the bad guys, names can be deceiving. The Joker isn’t someone who messes around despite what his name suggests.
5. Make a costume.
The key to not having a lame costume is not getting rid of the tights; it’s having the costume made professionally. For example, Peter Parker’s first Spiderman costume looked like pajamas because he made it himself. The costume he now wears looks amazing because, even though he designed it, he had it professionally made. If you’re too poor to have your costume made well, befriend a millionaire. All superheroes need a millionaire best friend, like Harry Osborn, or to be a millionaire, like Iron Man. When designing your costume, make sure it’s skin-tight and shows off all your good features. For men, the costume has to show that you have abs. For women, the costume must be low-cut. Don’t worry about being provocative; it will benefit you in the end because your enemy will be distracted. For example, Catwoman wears a low-cut, skin-tight leotard. Your costume should always be worn under civilian clothes. Act like it’s not uncomfortable.
6. Protect your identity.
Unless you’re as vain as Iron Man, keep your identity a secret. This is important because, if you archenemy knows who you are, he will probably be able to Google your address. You do not want your enemy breaking into your house and killing you in the middle of the night. Or, worse, he could kill your helpless grandma like the Green Goblin did when he discovered Spiderman was Peter Parker. Remember, a pair of glasses does not hide your identity. People are smarter than that outside of comic books, Clark Kent.
7. Find a sidekick.
This is optional, but highly recommended. You can make your sidekick do all the things you hate doing, like cleaning the Batmobile or getting rid of all the nosy news reporters. For your sidekick, you can find an orphan, a devoted fan, or a talking animal. Sidekicks will naturally be a bit annoying and probably get in your way, but they will always come through for you in the end. Of course, they will have to have a lame name. For example, Batman’s sidekick’s name is Robin.
As a superhero, you might also want to consider a secret hide-out and a super cool vehicle. However, a crappy apartment and a cheap moped work just as well for the stingy superhero.
Finally, if you’re going to join a group of superheroes, go with something awesome like X-Men or the Avengers. And, for the love of God, do not join something lame like the Teen Titans or the Fantastic Four!
