With no-shave November over, it’s time we reflect not only on the month but on the dominant beards throughout our ages. At every stage in our lives we are faced with a dominant beard. A beard of such richness that it stands alone amongst its peers. This is a chronicling of the the pantheon of beards.

The over-grown sideburns

There was that one kid in 3rd or 4th grade who somehow convinced everyone the long hairs on the side of his face were sideburns. Not having a firm concept of puberty, he successfully swindled entire elementary schools into thinking he was some sort of man-child. Maturing so fast, classmates thought he’d leave for the NBA by 7th grade. All we can hope for is that karma balanced out the equation by never allowing him to truly grow facial hair.

The Half Stache

In middle school, facial hair officially hit in the form of darkened peach-fuzz on the upper lip. These faux-staches make looking back on our yearbook photos like looking at car accidents — what were we thinking? Color pencils could’ve been used to draw on a better mustache. The only benefit of the stache was that its griminess accompanied the general greasy appearance we all were seemingly aiming for quite well.

The Baby-face

In high school the facial hair game went pro. The world of facial hair went from zero to 60 in the blink of an eye. Kids had hair follicles growing faster than their bone structure. Classmates started looking like bearded babies. High school became a competition of who could grow the patchiest beard and avoid looking at mirror the longest. This competition had no winners.

The Eddie Bauer

For many, freshman year of college marked their introduction to the perfect beard. The beard was full and groomed to perfection. Its earthy nature made it appear as if it had been ripped out of the pages of an Eddie Bauer catalog. The Brawny man himself could not have grown a better beard. It was the first time one’s facial dominance could promote feelings of inferiority.

The Philosopher

The philosopher (aka the Graduate School or the Hipster) is most commonly found in one’s twenties around college campuses and Carrboro . The beard, by being abnormally long and unsightly, combined with one’s occupation is a symbol of one’s status in life. It says “I don’t care right now, but this is probably just a phase.” When the Philosopher encounters the environmental pressures of a mortgage or a real job, the beard becomes extinct.

The Bum

The Bum is the beard that dominates the rest of life. The bum does not directly imply a lack of wealth; Zach Galifanakus has done very well for himself, however, it does imply an underlying approach to life. Like the Philosopher, it says one doesn’t care but distinguishes himself by also saying, “I have no intention of caring — ever.”