My roommates and I have a white board in the squalid house we live in. On the board we have a list of house rules, rules that have been established through failure after failure over the past four years. The last rule and perhaps the most important rule is ‘No Chinese food after 2 a.m.’

At 2 a.m . the bars are closing, your liver is failing and you’re on your way home. On the cab ride back you inevitably hit the bright lights of Hillsborough Street. The lights evoke a passion for a taste of the orient. This inclination is natural but you must resist your lust, for the consequences are dire.

If your night of partying hasn’t already interlocked you and your significant other into an epic struggle, your late night snack will. There is just something about eating Chinese after 2 a.m . that always ends with you yelling at them, giving the cold shoulder or see-sawing back and forth between the two.

Scientists will explain this phenomenon by saying it has something to do with enzymes and proteins, but laymen will simply say Chinese just stirs something up inside of you. In the most tragic of cases, your struggle will be left unresolved and, in the worst cases, brought into the bedroom. Whatever the case, by the end, you will have excreted all of your bad feelings to your significant other. This is no way to live. So, please, no Chinese after 2 a.m . Protect your porcelain princess.