A room of diverse students sat in Caldwell Lounge, completely fixated on every word coming out of his mouth. Ears open to receive the answers they all wanted to hear about the most elusive topic to college students today: dating.
Who was the man with all of these answers? Dr. Phil? No, it was NC State alumni distinguished undergraduate professor of psychology, Rupert Nacoste.
Nacoste spoke at the Interbelief Initiative event, “Dating, Culture and Religion,” on Feb. 18 to discuss his take on today’s dating scene.
“Dating motivations are all over the place nowadays … and I’ll tell you this folks, dating just ain’t what it used to be,” Nacoste said as he began the event.
Nacoste said he first became interested in the changes of the dating scene after reading, “Why There are No Good Men Left,” by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. Her book argues that the dating system has shifted from a “marriage dating system” to a “relationship dating system.”
Expanding on this theory, Nacoste pointed out that the marriage system was created to prepare couples for life-long relationships by having everything linked together.
“If you were having sex you were married. If you were a parent, you were married. Commitment was hard-core, legally and religiously,” Nacoste said.
Now, dating has shifted to the relationship system, where none of the aforementioned components are linked, according to Nacoste. He explained to listeners that just because two people have sex doesn’t mean they are married, and just because two people are in a committed relationship doesn’t mean they plan on getting married. Nacoste said that millennials are one of the first generations to grow up in a society where this system has surrounded us our entire lives.
Nacoste asked the audience if their parents and grandparents were ever confused about how we date nowadays. The audience laughed and nodded in agreement.
“So you’ve been out two or three times now, that means you’re a couple right? No? Then what the hell are y’all doing?” said Nacoste, acting out parents who are confused by the current dating system.
In this new relationship system, breakups are expected, and few people have marriage in mind when going on dates, according to Nacoste.
Since 2003 when Nacoste first read Whitehead’s book, he has been asking his Introduction to Social Psychology class one simple question: “Why do people date these days?”
Nacoste said the answers he receive range anywhere from sex, free dinner and Instagram likes to escaping loneliness, temporary happiness and status symbol.
“Does any of that sound like marriage goals? No,” Nacoste said. “And that’s what I get every semester. Every now and then, toward the end of that list, somebody will say, ‘Oh wait, what about love?’ And I’m like, ‘Well, that took long enough.’”
Marriage just isn’t what is on the minds of students right now. It isn’t necessarily the college-age generation’s fault, it is just what they have grown up on and are accustomed to, Nacoste explained.
In an age where the world is wide open for everyone, with all of the opportunities everyone has, settling down is the last thing anyone wants to think about. Nacoste said he sees how this is affecting students in the long run, as many young adults are seemingly incapable of holding long-term relationships.
Throwing religion and moral standards into the mix of the dating world, which is what this event discussion focused on, makes the process even more confounding. But sticking to your guns is the best route, according to Nacoste.
“People won’t change their moral standards in the moment, if they do, they are lying through their teeth,” Nacoste said.
According to Nacoste, you need to know exactly how your faith is going to impact your life. If it’s a big part of your life, and you want to connect with someone that either agrees with those standards or at least accepts them, you have to know that before setting foot in a relationship.
When asked what his best advice for college students in their dating lives would be, Nacoste said, “Know yourself. Know your goals.”
Past students of Nacoste, members of the Interbelief Initiative and others who were interested to hear answers about the dating scene attended the event. One of the students in attendance was Eleanor Frederick, a junior studying food science, who said she was impressed with Nacoste and his views of dating.
“He was very real and honest,” Frederick said. “I found it very interesting how strong his opinion was that the relationship system may be detrimental to long-term relationships.”
According to Nacoste, many of his students contact him regularly for advice on relationships, both romantic and platonic. As Nacoste said he has observed, dating is complicated with the new rules, or lack of, in millennial dating, especially when bridging beliefs.
