Frozen pizza is an insomniac’s last resort. While the absurd hours of the morning are a casual acquaintance of mine, the classically grueling all-nighter is a fiend to many. When hunger strikes, let your 24-hour grocery store be your neighborhood pizzeria.
Enduring the shocking brightness of the barren aisles, I encountered a sea of cardboard behind frosted glass. Unlatching the doors, I was greeted by a gust of biting air as I piled the fossilized carbohydrates into my cart.
Resisting the temptation of redundant tabloids and overpriced candy bars, I headed toward the self-checkout. As I began to swipe the frozen hockey pucks, I mulled over the ingrained suspicion associated with the savory staple.
Few plan their day around a frozen pizza, which is why there’s likely one from the Mesozoic Era lurking in the back of your fridge. I don’t know of anyone who prefers frozen pizza, but I imagine it is the same type of person who would prefer Long John Silver’s to a local seafood restaurant. While delivery pizza is embraced without hesitation, its frozen parallel is victim to skepticism. Fortuitously, I’ve taken on the demanding task of taste-testing pizzas so you won’t have to. Below, see my cursory and feeble attempt at choosing a pizza that delivers.
6. Tombstone Original Pepperoni
I was overwhelmed with grease, spongy “cheese” and a crust reminiscent of stale bread.
5. Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza
Believe it or not, Rose Totino was one of the frozen pizza pioneers in the 60s. Totino’s is undeniably cheap, which is partially why I coin it as the “Lunchables” of pizza. It’s pizza without the commitment, but it’s painfully evident what you’re getting. In essence, you’re eating a glorified saltine cracker peppered with cheese and cubed meat. For the sake of nostalgia, it was necessary to include it.
4. Newman’s Own Uncured Pepperoni Thin and Crispy Pizza
The box said, “In crust we trust,” which was accurate. There was so much crust that for a while I was convinced I was consuming a circular piece of cardboard. A foreign instinct of mine tells me Paul Newman wouldn’t eat this. He wouldn’t have wanted it this way.
3. Red Baron Classic Crust Pepperoni Pizza
The nomenclature of the brand pays homage to the World War I fighter pilot Manfred von Richthofen, nicknamed “Red Baron.” He is accredited with 80 combat victories and was widely admired by Germans in the early 20th century. Who shot down Richthofen in 1918 remains a mystery. It’s unfortunate that he couldn’t live to see the day his name was adapted on a frozen pizza box. Speckled in pepperoni, the pizza had a heaping amount of cheese and tasted as good as it looked. The crust was thick, but wasn’t doughy in nature and emitted bold notes of buttery garlic and Parmesan.
2. California Pizza Kitchen’s Signature Pepperoni
This pizza had a robust sauce and a fair amount of toppings. The smoked Gouda cheese and pepperoni definitely stood out atop the flakey crust. I think it would more appropriately qualify as flatbread, but that’s probably because I burned it a little. I would suggest doctoring up this pizza with bell peppers and artichokes.
1. DiGiorno Pizzeria! Primo Pepperoni Pizza
This definitely was not delivery. However, it was the most impressive candidate among my arbitrary selection. The pizza was embellished with hearty pepperoni and vine-ripened tomatoes. Olive oil and herbs complimented gooey cheese. Free of preservatives, the slew of ingredients on the back of the box was oddly respectable. The sauce demonstrated a seamless balance of acidity and sweetness. Personally, I have a preference for thin crust, but the crust was crispy with a fitting amount of tenderness. In a market of subtly distinguishable pizzas, this one takes the stage — it’s the frozen pizza your oven deserves.
