After a disappointing loss to the Louisville Cardinals Thursday, the Wolfpack men’s basketball team has sought new, even wilder experiments to improve the biological abominations known as “Gottfried’s supermen.”
As most fans of Wolfpack basketball know, Mark Gottfried has a long history of mad science experiments, bringing his Frankenstein-esque experience to NC State’s coaching staff. For the uninformed, this includes cybernetic implants, bionics, gene-splicing and super soldier serums, which carried the Wolfpack into the Sweet 16 last March.
After all-star shooting guard Terry Henderson suffered a traumatic ankle injury in the season’s first game, Gottfried was quoted in a press release as saying, “We can rebuild him. We have the technology.” Terry “The Terrinator” Henderson is Gottfried’s most ambitious project yet, set to make his debut as half-man, half-machine against ACC No. 1 UNC on Saturday. Coach Gottfried hopes to match his experimental supermen against Roy Williams’ team at the Dean Smith center, but it is not known at this time whether UNC’s players are test subjects for any affronts unto God, or if they’re just taking paper classes.
In Henderson’s place, teammates Anthony “Cat” Barber and the Martin Clones have really taken the spotlight. Cat Barber, famous for his agility, was recruited after an experiment gone wrong fused his DNA with that of a common housecat, leading to his name and inhuman abilities. Gottfried has been working with the Department of Biological Sciences to augment Barber’s abilities, making him harder, better, faster and stronger; anonymous teammates and onlookers have said that during practice, Cat Barber has been known to leap 10 feet in the air and always land on his feet, an ability that will need to be used to its fullest potential against Florida State on Wednesday, says Gottfried.
On the offensive end of the team are the Martin clones, created in Mackay Laboratory in 2011 from the DNA of Michael Jordan, a vial of which was stolen from the St. Dean Smith’s Cathedral on the UNC campus. Caleb and Cody have shown their worth on the starting lineup, where the Mocksville, North Carolina, natives use their telepathic link to synchronize and crush all who stand in their way. The Martins’ abilities on the court are matched only by their identical ability to grow facial hair.
The Wolfpack’s biggest challenge this year in the way of crimes against nature is expected to be Duke. Mike Krzyzewski, in collaboration with Duke’s renowned biomedical engineering department, is on the cutting edge of superhuman experimentation, rivalling even the modern marvel that is the Terrinator. Being a private institution, Duke is significantly less limited by ethics, so it can push the sinful boundaries of playing God much further, according to my pastor. State hosts the Blue Devils Jan. 23 at the PNC Arena.
All in all, despite an uncertain conference start, the Wolfpack is shaping up to be a formidable force at PNC and on the road, as long as God delays his smiting of Mark Gottfried until after March Madness.
