South Dakota — known for mashed potato wrestling, Mount Rushmore and being forgettable — is the first state to authorize teachers to carry firearms in K-12 schools. The law, which gives school districts the final say on whether to allow guns, was signed by Gov. Dennis Daugaard last Friday. Honestly folks, this law couldn’t come soon enough. 

Just think of the benefits that come from arming our teachers. There are the obvious ones, like being able to stop attackers. But the potential for good doesn’t stop there. 

Gone are the days of meeting one-on-one with little Johnny’s teacher because he won’t stop hitting the fat kids on the monkey bars with sticks. Imagine how much more effective verbal warnings would   be if teachers had guns.Let me clear something up: the guns should never be used on the children. It’s more of a “show and ask” sort of thing. The teacher tells Jimmy to stop licking the class gerbil, and if Jimmy gets sassy, then the teacher would show him the holstered handgun and ask him if he’s feeling brave.

Having guns in schools is the best way to instill discipline in our children and teach them how to follow the rules of society. It’ll turn our schools into more than just a place to get educated. Schools will become facilities that correct unacceptable behavior — there’s gotta be a name for that…  

Guns retain their value, even in high schools. To make sure high school students use their time wisely on standardized and AP exams, proctors could issue warning shots at 30-minute intervals. 

This law — and many others like it — is undeniably being made in response to shootings like the one at Sandy Hook Elementary. And like vice president of the National Rifle Association Wayne LaPierre said, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” 

So if the purpose of laws like the one in South Dakota is to protect our children, then why stop with guns in schools? Children are susceptible to danger everywhere …

I don’t have kids, but if I did, I’d want them to be protected all the time. Which is why I’m pleased to announce a new business venture of mine — the country’s first daycare/armory, where “All bets are off, and so are the safety locks.”

And readers, it would only make sense that I hire the babysitter who shows up to the interview with a shotgun. And maybe it’s the angry Arab in me, but an iPhone-enabled grenade vest sounds like a more reasonable option with each passing day, because we can’t always be there to save our children.

The point is, these laws are clearly in the best interest of the children — and it would be ridiculous to say they’re politicized victory for the NRA, which according to The New York Times lobbied for the bill in the South Dakota legislature.

As of yet, there’s no real measure for how many school shootings have been prevented by laws like the one in South Dakota. But the Times did report a few accidental discharges, one being by a police officer in a New York City high school hallway — during class hours.  

A handful of states have shown that Americans will stop at nothing to protect their children, even if it means putting them in harm’s way.