Some of you may remember my Valentine’s Day column last year — in it, I urged readers to not be ashamed to be single. Though, I must admit I am no longer single. After an unconventional Feb. 14 last year involving Nutella, a Snuggie and myself, I fell head-over-heels for the only person truly worthy of my affection — me. Don’t worry, I’m still looking out for all you single people. Here’s some advice that’s sure to help you find a special someone (Disclaimer: I make no guarantees of finding a special someone. Degrees of “special” may vary)…
Bang with Friends
Bang with Friends is a new Facebook app that allows users to “anonymously” nominate which friends they’d like to hook up with. If your friend nominates you also, then each of you receives an email with instructions on the next step to hooking up — and hopefully an alternate set of instructions on how to avoid eye contact.
Personally, I see no downside to this. The nomination process is completely anonymous. And you don’t even have to worry about being judged when all of your friends see the Bang With Friends icon on your “recent apps” list — your younger friends will get it, and your parents will think it’s a picture of two friends participating in a human wheelbarrow race.
The same way genuine conversation can lead to courtship, Bang With Friends is the perfect followup to Words With Friends — and an even better prelude to Regrets With Friends.
Crazy Blind Date
Crazy Blind Date is an app developed by OKCupid that brings blind dating into the digital age. And if there was anything missing from the blind dates your friends set up for you, it’s the crazy. The app’s webpage encourages everyone to use it “with reckless abandon.”
To the average person, using a Russian-roulette-style dating service with reckless abandon seems dangerous, but the site’s page puts all worries to rest with a reassuring claim: “We know what we’re doing.” And let’s be real, how often does something go horribly wrong when someone says, “I know what I’m doing.” I always I assumed my dad meant to fall off the roof every time he tried to adjust the satellite dish during a storm.
And what’s so dangerous about meeting up with strangers from the Internet? Chris Hansen does it all the time.
Online necking
The Japanese are pioneers in sexy machinery. Researchers at Tokyo’s Kajimoto Laboratory developed a French kissing machine that connects users through the Internet. The machine, which resembles a sophisticated boxy base with a straw sticking out of it, lets users have all the fun of intimacy, but without all of that nasty touchy-feely stuff. Users waggle the straw apparatus with their tongues, which causes the straw to move on the other user’s box to move remotely.
Kisses can be recorded and replayed for later use. But I urge all of you young ladies out there to exercise caution — before you send your kiss transmissions to your men, make sure you really trust him. I mean, you should be ready to introduce him to your family, assuming the man you’ve been sucking virtual face with online isn’t a 60-year-old man who thinks he just bought “one of those new online Atari things.” Because, before you know it, your kiss transmissions will be posted online for everyone to waggle their tongues (and maybe more) to.
If you’re still single by the end of this list, then I’m sorry, but I got nothing more for you — except maybe ask you to put on pants and go get some face time with someone (not to be confused with “FaceTime someone”)
My last suggestion is that you get on Twitter and tweet with the hashtag #lastminutelovers to have a shot at winning one of the 24 pizza packages from Pizza Hut. Each package includes a $20 gift card to Pizza Hut and and a bottle of Eau de Pizza Hut, the company’s new scent that captures the essence of “fresh dough with hints of Italian spices, tomato sauce and cheese.” Admittedly, this won’t help you find someone special, but it’ll add to the I’m-eating-away-my-sorrows motif you’ll be going for tomorrow.
