I am over the moon after hearing that the new Adventures of Superman will be co-authored by Orson Scott Card — a true American with true American ideals. Card, who resides in Greensboro, is a true patriot who, as he expressed in a 2008 editorial in Desert News, “Will act to destroy [a] government and bring it down, so it can be replaced with a government that will respect and support marriage.” And in his fight against gays, Card will be penning the story for gayest superhero known to man.
C’mon, don’t act like you didn’t see it. The more I stared down at that perfectly drawn chin, bulging biceps, powerful quads and dazzling blue eyes … eherm … I started to realize something queer about the Man of Steel, by which I mean he’s gay.
Let’s start with the obvious: His outfit. No straight man would dare to go out in public wearing such a form-fitting uniform. I suggest Orson Scott Card revamp Superman’s wardrobe. Let’s see fewer tights and codpieces, and more basketball shorts and ironic tees.
Like many gay teenagers, Superman struggles with his own identity. In public, Superman hides behinds the thick black frames of his publicly accepted identity, Clark Kent. Superman refuses to come out of the closet — where he likely keeps extra codpieces and tights to sashay in. And no other character has a four-part storyline titled Identity Crisis. Superman can’t even reveal his true identity to the woman whom he supposedly loves, Lois Lane.
Speaking of whom — why hasn’t he made an honest woman out of her and put a ring on her finger? The two have been “talking” since Action Comics #1, published in 1938. Sure, you could argue it’s for Lois’ protection, but if he truly respects the sanctity of marriage, he would either break it off with her, or let Doctor Fate preside over their marriage ceremony.
Before the super-fans attack me, I am of course talking about the more popular storylines. I know the couple gets married in Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman — but he keeps her waiting in the more popular comics. So take a deep puff from your inhalers and put down your replica Star Trek phasers, I’m trying to make a point. Instead of settling down and starting a family, Superman elects to use Ms. Lane as a cover while he spends his days chasing around Lex Luthor. This behavior is simply un-American.
Oh, that’s right, Superman, or should I say Kal-El, isn’t American — he’s an illegal immigrant from Krypton. Before his home planet was blown to smithereens, Jor-El and Lara (his parents) constructed a spaceship to safely carry him to Earth. The only redeeming gesture is that he works for cheap. I mean, who else will save the world 24/7 for free?
Card’s activist views in opposition of gay marriage won’t make their way into the comics, to which I ask, “Why not?” This country needs a hero that will stand up for traditional marriage in a time when American values are going by the wayside. And what better tool is there to restore those values than America’s favorite superhero? (My apologies to Captain America)
Think about it. Superman could start using his powers to do real good. Instead of protecting gay men, he could use his super breath to blow them up, up and away. He could even use his X-ray vision to see through walls to make sure that post-touchdown hug between two friends doesn’t last any longer than two seconds.
If for nothing else, my hat goes off to DC Comics for staggering irony. A character with virtually limitless power, who devotes his being to helping the oppressed will be commanded by a man who actively uses his fame and money to ensure some people stay oppressed. Bravo, Card and DC. My last suggestion for the new series is to change the iconic S shield on Superman’s costume — the crest of the House of El and the Kryptonian symbol for “hope” — to something with less meaning. Perhaps a random Wingdings font character will do.
