My love, it pains me to say this, but I must leave you.
No, it isn’t the astonishingly low wages you offer your employees, whom you force to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas. It isn’t the detrimental effect you’re having on the rainforests.
I was even willing to ignore the skyrocketing rates of childhood and adult obesity you’ve caused. Maybe it was your introduction of so-called “healthy” alternatives that made me think you were really trying your best.
And no, it isn’t about that creepy clown you insist on bringing around without explanation.
It’s just that I’ve heard some talk about your plans.
Toward the beginning of the year, the cartoon-enthusiast side of the Internet started buzzing with anticipation over the announcement that McDonald’s Happy Meals would include “Adventure Time”toys starting Jan. 17.
I was so happy for you. “Adventure Time,” one of my favorite programs and McDonald’s, my favorite fast-food chain, would come together.
But, in my happiness, I failed to realize that, for some reason, “Adventure Time” toys had been labeled as “for boys.” Amid all the boys’ excitement, the girls would be left with Paul Frank monkey figurines.
Sure, you’ve been practicing the antiquated ritual of gendering your Happy Meal toys for as long as you’ve offered them. But, to my knowledge, you have never stripped a brand partner of its progress toward equal representation.
(No, that’s not to say the Cartoon Network show is a perfect example of progressivism, but it gets pretty close.)
“Adventure Time,” in case you didn’t know, follows the narrative of a boy named Finn and his magical dog, Jake, as they rescue candy people in the land of Ooo. The show features a cast of women who represent the intelligent, the unintelligent, the strong, the weak, the emotional, the unemotional, the confident and the shy.
In fact, the show’s female cast is far larger and more diverse than the male cast. For this reason, among others (including two episodes featuring gender-swapped versions of the characters), “Adventure Time” has gained quite the following among people of all ages and genders. It has never been cast as a “boy’s show.”
So why, McDonald’s, did you decide the toys, which would suit children of any gender, should be targeted at boys? Was it because the figurines to be offered only include the male characters — despite the show’s plethora of relevant female characters?
Why did you choose only to include male characters in your toy offerings, anyway? Two versions of both Finn and Jake are offered as Happy Meal prizes, so why not just replace one version of each with any of the popular female characters?
It didn’t help that you contrasted these figurines with Paul Frank merchandise, which includes a purse and a diary. It’s like you’re trying too hard to enforce gender roles.
Sure, you’re not all to blame. People have bought into the idea that toys should be gendered for generations now. You’re playing to a market. And maybe whoever devised the toys works as a representative of the TV program rather than for you.
Whatever the case may be, it has become apparent that we just don’t see eye to eye anymore. It will be hard to quit you, but we’ve outgrown each other, so I must.
Good luck in all your future endeavors. You gave me some of the best years of my life.
