Growing up, I was taught to be modest. For me, this meant not being proud of my achievements, no matter how noteworthy. Thus, whenever I hit a home run in softball, won a race in cross country or accomplished anything, instead of celebrating, I pushed all my pride down. After all, I didn’t deserve any attention because my achievements were not important.
After years of fighting my own mental battles, I’ve realized self-love is not as simple as health and wellness blogs make it out to be. Instead of a linear path, the journey to self-acceptance is more like a forest trail. Sometimes, the turf is flat and smooth. Other times, the path is rocky and almost unnavigable, but what’s important is that you keep moving forward.
I realize not everyone experiences mental health the same way, as it depends on genetics, background and cultural experiences, and a myriad of other factors. However, I know many people who find it difficult to appreciate themselves, who harshly criticize themselves when they commit small errors and who criticize themselves for criticizing themselves.
There is a reason why we are so easily caught up in these self-defeating cycles, and no, it’s not because you are worthless — it’s because our brains were wired to do so. Negativity bias is the tendency to cling onto negative thoughts more readily. Negativity bias explains why we feel criticism more intensely than praise, and why we are more willing to accept our negative qualities rather than focus on the positives.
Then, there is the misconception that we cannot truly love others without loving ourselves first. While this philosophy makes intuitive sense, it’s not reality. Sure, expressing compassion and affection for others is not exactly a piece of cake, but affording the same treatment to ourselves is often more challenging. Furthermore, it suggests that without self-love, the love we share with others isn’t real love, which is more discouraging than uplifting.
Although not loving oneself does not make you an unloving person, a lack of self-compassion can be very detrimental not only for you but for the people around you. For a long time, I believed self-love was not necessary, that as long as I was generally OK, everything would turn out fine. However, it wasn’t until I began hurting people close to me that I realized how wrong I was. The truth is that self-criticism negatively impacts how we interact with others and makes it harder to enjoy ourselves.
Furthermore, research suggests a direct link between increased resilience in the face of failure and high self-compassion. In other words, when we are kind to ourselves rather than judgmental, we become stronger and better people.
Some online articles will have us believe the key to crafting self-compassion lies in meditation or eating nutritious foods. While these practices are healthy coping mechanisms, they are only surface level solutions. The real battle takes place on the inside, and no amount of bubble baths will help us accept who we are. Fortunately, there are an abundance of viable resources and strategies available to promote self-compassion.
One method is positive self-talk, or developing an inner monologue that boosts self-esteem. When we engage in negative self-talk, we tend to blow things out of proportion and view ourselves as less competent than we really are. However, when we draw attention to these voices and actively work to turn them into positive statements, we build confidence and regain control over our lives.
Positive self-talk can be developed in several ways, from positive affirmations to treating yourself like a friend. One tool that has helped me identify my negative thought patterns is journaling. Journaling not only gives me the opportunity to evaluate my negative thoughts, but it also helps me release them.
Therapy is another great resource for building confidence. The Counseling Center at NC State offers several mental health services, from individual counseling to specialized workshops and programs.
The time for celebrating love is here. Whether you’re spending the day with your significant other or your favorite pillow, remember to take some time to love and appreciate yourself. You deserve it.
