It’s no secret girls mature faster than boys. We hear phrases like this all the time that reinforce the dichotomy of gender and guide certain aspects of our lives. The problem is, we’ve become complacent with gender roles determining the success of our relationships without even realizing it. Heterosexual women are the mothers of their partners.

Despite myths saying otherwise, girls are not mothering their partners because it’s a natural, biological instinct. While there are inherent differences between girls and boys at birth, such as girls being able to recognize faces and control their emotions earlier in life, these are not to blame for the emotional maturity gap that forces girls to become caretakers in a relationship — how we raise our children is to blame here.

From birth, boys and girls are socialized by gender. Young boys are given trucks and action figures, while girls are given baby dolls and other toys that foster nurturing behavior. Zameena Mejia puts it beautifully in a 2017 article for CNBC where she writes, “Girls aren’t taught to be leaders and boys aren’t taught to share their feelings.”

Not teaching men to confront their feelings as children holds their future girlfriends and wives responsible for that task. The motherly behavior girls are taught prepares them for this role before they even know it.

Because women become better communicators and more emotionally aware through development, they take the lead in some of the most intimate parts of a relationship. On the other hand, men are often unable to be an emotional equal to their partners, which destroys sexual attraction and increasing tension for many couples.

Women want partners who are emotionally available and can express their feelings, but the reality is these people are hard to find. This ultimately makes girls settle in relationships. Sooner or later, frustration and tension will build between the couple when both partners cannot get what they need from the relationship.

On top of being taught nurturing behavior, girls are also taught household tasks that boys are not. They receive instruction on folding laundry, cooking and cleaning, while boys are instructed on tasks that encourage strength. If boys aren’t being taught skills that they need to simply survive on their own, then who are we expecting to take care of them in adulthood?

You would be surprised at how many girls I’ve met who have to do their boyfriend’s laundry.

This is a real problem in college, not just in adulthood. We’ve all heard of toxic masculinity –– the societal concept of “manliness” that perpetuates unhealthy levels of toughness and dominance. Unfortunately, toxic masculinity is at its peak for college-aged men according to Adina Mahalli, a Certified Mental Health Consultant. These guys are in a place where they will bottle up their emotions, destroying their own mental health and potentially that of the people who care for them.

College guys get so caught up subscribing to beliefs of manliness that other aspects of their development are put on hold, leaving their girlfriends to manage it for them. Girls will raise their boyfriends in the physical aspect of folding their laundry, cooking them food and teaching them how to use hair products, but they’re also raising them emotionally and carrying the communication component of the relationship.

Getting your heart broken by a guy who cannot show emotional awareness and maturity is its own degree of pain.

For students, relationships are an important defense mechanism against depression. However, without good communication, these relationships are destined to fail, and I’m seeing more and more girls feel responsible for the success or failure of their relationships because they have been the ones to nurture its growth.

I am not here to blame men for their lack of emotional maturity. Most guys are not aware that this is something they need to fix which, again, can be blamed on how we raise boys from youth.

However, men — especially those in a serious relationship or looking to be in one — need to seriously reflect on how developed they are emotionally. They must ask themselves, “Can I really communicate my feelings to my partner in a clear and confident way?” Women must also be aware that this could be an unseen obstacle they are facing in their relationship. If both parties aren’t clear on that, nothing can change and the relationship’s growth will be stunted.

Self-awareness is key for people in relationships or the dating pool, but if we want to see long-term change, we must tackle the problem from the source. Parents must raise boys and girls with equal amounts of nurturing, both in quantity and quality.