The phrase “no contact” implies you’re expecting someone to come crawling back. It describes the phase after a breakup when a person decides not to reach out to their ex under any circumstance. It doesn’t sit well with me because that’s basically what happens anyway without the label — this fancy wording is just denial poorly disguised as empowerment.

I used to hear the phrase used in reference to familial relationships, but recently it’s become common to say after the end of a romantic relationship.

“No contact” obviously means you don’t plan on reaching out to that person but, to me, implies you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. You’re not contacting your ex because you feel like you have something to prove to everyone else, not because you’re actually over them. It doesn’t get you anywhere.

It’s not “no contact.” You’re just broken up. It comes off as a nonchalant way to win your ex back. Every post I’ve seen about the rule has the goal of the ex returning. But why do you want them back, honestly?

Breakups happen for a reason, always. I guarantee you that there’s someone more fit for you than your ex. They’re your ex for a reason.

It’s much more beneficial for your growth to accept that you aren’t compatible with someone than it is to tell everyone you’ve entered “no contact.” It feels like you’re waiting for them. It sounds like you’re devaluing yourself.

Sure, “no contact” originated as a way to take back freedom when it feels threatened, even if it’s not something you want to do — that’s valid. But because of this, I think it’s important to recognize why you’re saying it. It’s likely you’re not using it because you actually want your ex to come back; it might just be that your freedom feels lost and you want to reclaim it.

Relationships with the wrong person are draining, and if you feel like you’ve lost control of the situation, this might just be your Hail Mary. But “no contact” will, unfortunately, slow down the healing process.

When you leave the door open for your ex to come back, you admit that you think they will. You’re holding onto the fact that you want them to.

Instead of saying you’re in “no contact,” we need to go back to admitting what it is — a good ol’ fashioned breakup. Clearly you’ve decided the relationship is no longer functional, and that’s okay.

In fact, that’s a good thing. It means you’re developing as a person. You’re figuring out your wants and needs, not tying yourself to someone who simply doesn’t fit your lifestyle anymore.

Trust me when I say I know it’s easier said than done, but once the breakup has happened there’s no point in dwelling on the past.

Regardless of why you say it — whether it’s to be on trend, for a sense of freedom or because you’re in denial about the relationship truly being over — don’t look at your breakup from a “leave the door open” perspective. That’ll just keep you from moving on.

Think of how much happier you’ll be with someone who works better for you. Be excited that there are better people out there for you and look forward to meeting them.