One of my hidden talents is that I can eat 15 chicken wings in one sitting, leaving behind just clean bones. The thing that surprises people more than my ability to eat like a linebacker is that I refuse to dip my wings — or anything for that matter — in ranch. 

Ranch has dominated the condiment hierarchy for many years, with 40% of Americans reporting it as their favorite dressing in 2018. My ranch aversion has sparked outrage from many devout followers of the sauce, but I believe my rationale for disliking ranch is completely valid. 

Ranch was invented in the late 1940s by Steven Henson, a plumbing contractor who concocted the sauce to serve to his workers. After retiring, Henson opened a dude ranch with his wife in Alaska called “Hidden Valley Ranch.”

Henson served his condiment to guests, and it quickly grew in popularity, with many requesting jars of it to take home. He went on to create a powdered dressing mix that was sold in grocery stores before selling Hidden Valley Ranch Food Products Inc. to the Clorox Company in 1972.  

The fact that ranch was invented by someone without culinary background and sold to a cleaning product company says enough, yet Americans can’t seem to get enough of the sauce. In 2023 alone, American shoppers spent $1.3 billion on bottled ranch dressing. 

So, why do I personally hate ranch? For starters, the buttermilk and mayonnaise combined with the oily texture mutes the flavors of any food you pair it with. 

Because of its strength, I find little difference between using ranch as a condiment and eating it by the spoonful. I want to enjoy my wings with just hot sauce, not with a greasy film of extra sauce to mask their flavor. 

Secondly, the visual appeal of ranch leaves much to be desired.

Naturally colorful foods have a variety of flavor whereas white and beige foods generally lack vibrancy. Whenever I see food covered in ranch, I automatically know the flavor will be as dull as its color. 

What bothers me the most is the cult-like following and omnipresence ranch possesses. Why do people put ranch on everything they consume? And is it absolutely necessary for everything — from potato chips to frozen pizza — to come in a ranch flavor?

I may lose my cool if I see another crock pot recipe with a packet of ranch mix as its showcase ingredient. I’m not expecting a home-cooked meal to be as sophisticated as a dish from a three-Michelen star restaurant, but I think we need to venture out and explore the abundance of spices and fresh herbs. 

And don’t get me started on everyone’s infatuation with Wingstop ranch. There are nearly 25,000 TikTok videos under the #WingstopRanch hashtag featuring copycat recipes and mukbangs with copious amounts of the condiment.

In March 2023, Wingstop even collaborated with Buff City Soap to release a ranch-scented bar soap. Disgusting. 

The prevalence of ranch-flavored food products on grocery store shelves has become excessive, and I worry that American palates are narrowing because of it. Snack brands should explore new flavor options to reduce the amount of ranch pulsating through the bloodstreams of modern-day consumers, not encourage it. 

Some ranch-flavored products are just downright criminal, such as ranch dressing flavored soda or Hidden Valley’s limited edition ice cream.

Come on, America. We’re better than this. 

You may be wondering what sauces I actually enjoy, but I don’t have a definitive answer to that question. My choice of condiment depends on the type of food I’m eating and whether I want to appreciate the flavors of the dish alone instead. 

I have an arguably unhealthy obsession with hot sauce, and I always keep bottles of Sriracha and Valentina handy for when I need a kick. Unlike ranch, hot sauce has a magical way of complimenting a dish rather than outshining its ingredients. 

I’m also known to dabble a little in whole-grain or Dijon mustard if it suits the occasion, but I can understand why many people have a distaste for the sharpness of mustard. 

As many nutritionists say, any food in excess is unhealthy, and I think it’s fair to assert that Americans have surpassed eating ranch in excess. If you fall under the category of a ranch-stan, I encourage you to explore alternative condiments and how they can best be paired with the food you’re enjoying. 

Next time you’re asked what kind of sauce you want with your meal, think to yourself, “Do I really want to be a grown adult who still dips everything in ranch?”