Editor’s Note: This is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously or applied literally.
Last Sunday the NAACP’s annual awards ceremony and luncheon featured a variety of accolades for Black excellence over the past year. Notable awards include the “We Learned Our Lesson From Spike Lee’s Bamboozled Making Only a Quarter of Its Budget Back Award” for the Most Toothless Satire of Race in America going to the Oscar Award-Winning — and we mean that in a bad way — film “American Fiction,” the Comeback Player of the Year Award going to Usher and the Colin-Powell-Condoleezza-Rice Award for the Black person who’s been co-opted by the most white people going to Clarence Thomas.
Next came their in-memoriam section, which included tributes to Tina Turner, Andre Braugher, Lance Reddick, Lizzo’s reputation and the word “woke.” However, the main event was when the NAACP awarded their prestigious Lifetime Achievement Award. Front and center was none other than North Carolina’s Mark Robinson.
Robinson was created in 1968 when a Mr. Potato Head toy fell into a vat of toxic waste. Emerged out of the disaster was a man capable of being ten times more hateful than your average conservative.
After graduating high school, Robinson joined the Army Reserve but left promptly because he learned he didn’t get to kill foreigners in the Middle East. So he found a new way to hurt as many people as possible: He became a politician.
He attributes his political awakening to fellow racist, truth-agnostic zealot Rush Limbaugh, who recently celebrated three years of sobriety. Robinson became North Carolina’s first Black lieutenant governor; upon his inauguration he cited his victory as “affirmative action woke B.S.”
He is known for his incendiary remarks that often put him in hot water with the media, median voters, donors and, probably, God. These remarks have also won him the NAACP Lifetime Achievement Award for being this nation’s Most Successful Black White-Supremacist.
Before he came up to accept the award, they showed a short film titled “Uncle Tom’s Lieutenant Governorship” which included his most vile statements that let him beat out the tough competition to win this award. Such statements include, but are not limited to calling Martin Luther King Jr. an ersatz pastor and communist, calling the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s a load of crap, claiming to only accept “Gay Pride” once liberals accept “White Pride” and a statement that is so racist the only way to do it justice is to quote it verbatim.
“I’m gonna say this and I don’t give a FROGS FAT ASS who doesn’t like it or what you say about me. I am TIRED of blacks and mexicans running around shouting about being proud of their race but when a white person does it they call them a bigot. Look here people, white folks came here with N-O-T-H-I-N-G and and built the most powerful nation on Earth. And they did it by FORCE OF WILL. I’m not saying that Mexicans and Blacks should not be proud, but who do you think has the most to brag about, the folks who built Mexico, the folks who built the Nations in Africa, or the folks who built The United States.”
When he accepted the award he took a moment to give thanks to a few people, including Planned Parenthood for providing the abortion he paid for in 1989 after he got a woman pregnant out of wedlock, the federal government for forgiving his debts when he filed for bankruptcy three separate times and the Fuhrer.
