Editor’s Note: This is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously or applied literally.
In one of the most sudden and complete campaign implosions in modern American political history, current North Carolina gubernatorial candidate and former competitive gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson has been exposed for a litany of actions he would probably describe as “degenerate, anti-western, globalist deeds designed to undermine America.”
The aforementioned actions have marred his election hopes and have forced him to carry an unviable campaign to term. Such actions include: enjoying transgender pornography, being a self-professed “perv,” being active on pornography forums, formerly being exposed for funding an abortion for a child he had out of wedlock, peeping on women showering in public showers and having an Ashley Madison account.
And conversely, lots of actions and statements that can be charitably be considered, at best, “Nazi-adjacent,” such as expressing support for the reinstatement of slavery, wanting to own enslaved persons, saying he’d prefer Hitler over the leadership of the 2012 Obama administration, denying he’s in the KKK — not because of ideological differences, as that would be impossible, but rather because they do not admit Black people — using slurs that have not been uttered since the Reconstruction era and praising Mein Kampf.
After being exposed, Robinson is now walking back on his staunch pro-life stance. This is due to the realization that he will be forced to carry his now unviable campaign to term.
Current snap polling data suggests Josh Stein holds a nearly triple-digit probability of winning the campaign, causing election experts to change the election outcomes from “Slight D Edge” to “Massive D Advantage,” which is a double-whammy to Robinson as “Massive D” is also his favorite category of transgender pornography.
The legislation forcing him to carry his campaign to term, despite its unviability, was passed under his leadership and scrutiny while he was lieutenant governor. The aforementioned “Robinson-No-Deep-State-Anti-Choice-Spitters-Quitters-We-Must-Secure-The-Existence-Of-Our-People-And-A-Future-For-The-White-Children-I-Wish-I-Could-Have” Bill, or sometimes shortened to the Anti-Sophie’s-Choice Act — due to Robinson’s frequent comments against both the existence of the Holocaust and women’s bodily autonomy — has been criticized due to how vague and wide-reaching its language is.
Legal scholars highlight sections such as 14H which states, “Once an individual has begun an action that takes on average nine months, they are forbidden to stop such an action” and 88H stating that “Any violation of Section 14H carries a minimum mandatory sentence of 40 years in prison” as being overly broad to a point of farce.
The bill has had wide-reaching effects on a myriad of seemingly disparate groups that are not the intended group such as women who seek to terminate their pregnancy prematurely. Richard Cox, a 50-year-old who was training for a marathon, was arrested last week due to him quitting over health concerns. Tina LaToya, a 21-year-old college student, was taken in due to her questionable situationship ending three months before they usually acrimoniously flame out.
Robinson, continuing his commitment to never help the public, has refused to drop out, an act that would see him arrested and spend the rest of his life in prison. He compared the bombshell report to a “digital lynching” which is demonstrably false, as if it were the case, Robinson would have been in attendance, in his finest Klan robes.
