Editor’s note: This article contains reference to traumatic events.
The first time I was conscious during a dissociative episode was just two years ago.
I was in the car with a loved one, on the highway during a hot September day. My mind had already been racing with the stressors from that time, but I began to feel strange; this wasn’t my everyday anxiety.
I felt my heart speed up, seemingly in tune with the speed of the car, and a cold shiver came over me, greeting me, gently, with a warning that something was coming. I looked down at my hands, and they didn’t feel like my hands. I felt as if I was viewing myself from a third-person perspective, like I was playing as character “Cate” in a video game.
This out-of-body experience was terrifying. I felt completely out of control and out of place: I had lost all connection to my physical being. I spiraled into a panic attack, having to stop in a local Harris Teeter bathroom to try to come back to myself. “Who am I? What is happening?” I thought as I looked at a reflection in the mirror I no longer recognized.
About a year later, I received a diagnosis: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. You probably aren’t familiar with cPTSD considering it is not clinically recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
cPTSD encompasses something called complex trauma, occurring as a result of commonly prolonged or repetitive exposures to a series of traumatic events, within which individuals perceive little or no opportunity to escape. Some of the symptoms of cPTSD are dissociation, depersonalization and derealization. Although slightly different experiences, these encompass a feeling of disconnection from oneself and one’s surroundings.
I am all too familiar with dissociation. It is a part of my shadow self, accompanying me in the darkest parts of my being. Unknowingly, dissociation protected me as a child and adolescent. Dissociation is a trauma response — it protects us through mental detachment when physical escape is not possible. I am grateful to it, strangely, but have grappled with its power over me. It invokes fear at its most primitive level: not fight, not flight but freeze.
I still struggle with this darkness, but I have found some ways to come home to myself.
Firstly, recognizing when dissociation is occurring and putting a name to it can diminish the power it has over us. I see you, I understand you, I accept you, but you are not needed at this moment.
Secondly, stimulating the ventral vagus nerve, a nerve directly connecting our autonomic nervous system and is in charge of our body’s safety or protective responses to danger, can help reconnect us.
Ways to stimulate the vagus nerve include deep breathing — I know, everyone’s favorite — cold exposure such as running cold water over the wrists and self-touch in the form of giving yourself a hug or rubbing your cheeks. Lastly, working to understand why you are experiencing dissociation, getting to the root of you, can be incredibly freeing.
This is a lengthy journey. I have only begun to understand my roots through years of good therapy. I encourage you to reflect on your experiences and how they have shaped you, if it feels safe and you feel supported by a professional or loved ones. Personally, I have found growth and relief through both sporadic and structured journaling, inner-child work and developing an internal sense of safety.
If you relate to any part of my story, I send you an abundance of love. Let’s come home to ourselves.
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