Editor’s Note: This is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously or applied literally.
Have you ever wondered what it takes to be a part of the most distinguished organization on NC State’s campus? Fancy yourself a Bob Woodward, Ida B. Wells or Anderson Cooper type? Hear from Technician’s editorial board.
Opinion
Hoping to incite change in an ever-daunting world? Would you like to be chastised by strangers on the internet who have only read the title of your article? Do you wish to put the darkest and most private aspects of your angsty, college student mind and soul on full, public display for $15?
If so, the opinion section might be for you. In our liberal media echo chamber, we strike fear into the hearts of University administrators, local political leaders, and X, formerly known as Twitter, accounts with egg profile pictures. Our crack team of idealist zealots with debilitating mental health issues is the envy and the enemy of those who are quick to take offense and those who inspire it. If you’ve enjoyed our posturing and pretentious diction, rhetoric and discourse in today’s paper and in past editions, come be a part of our unbearable yapping clique.
Culture
Do you often find yourself internalizing criticism of others’ music, fashion, film or literary tastes? If so, you no longer have to keep your judgments to yourself. By writing for Culture, you can tell all of campus about your niche and quirky music tastes, proving how interesting you are to others. Let’s over-intellectualize the media together.
Do you identify as “gatekeep” in the girlboss, gatekeep, gaslight triangle? Choose which of your niche hyper-fixations to share with the NC State community in the Culture section.
News
Have you ever wanted to be the most annoying student on campus? Want to scare your professors or student senate representatives with a job title? News is the place to be. When we’re not in the walls of Student Government or the Chancellor’s office, we’re submitting 20 public records requests per minute. Don’t even get us started on our email inbox. We will not read your emails because we’re currently too busy writing articles on Poe Hall. Sorry you have to read all the other testimonials; ours is straight to the point.
Sports
When you think of NC State, what comes to mind? Highly rated academic programs, sought-after professors or state of the art facilities? If none of those came to mind and instead you’re thinking of roster updates and gameday, then the sports section is perfect for you. If you yell at your TV and kick yourself whenever ESPN releases news, then you would fit in perfectly with this rag-tag group of former high school athletes and sports nerds that never know when to shut up about conversion rates and schedules.
Sports never sleep and neither do we. With two California teams joining the ACC, get ready to cover a Stanford vs NC State game that starts at 11 p.m. and doesn’t finish for three hours. If live coverage isn’t your thing — but don’t worry, it will be — then come and share any Wolfpack sports opinion you have. Sports also has one perk that no other section enjoys — the all-you-can-eat food at Carter-Finley Stadium’s press box buffet.
Photo
If you yearn to have your fate decided by a computer-generated name picker with a competitive atmosphere like that of the Hunger Games, the Photo is the section for you.
Photogs sit in their district (room 201 Witherspoon) as they await their fate. Brave participants raise their hands at a chance to be selected for the Games. However, disappointment is forever in their favor. To the selected contender, a thumb battle with their phone lies ahead as they attempt to request the most prestige weapon — the Nikon Z6 camera. Once a weapon is acquired, the photog takes an adventurous journey to the battlefield, where they will be faced with soldiers from other districts, fighting for a spot to capture the blood, sweat and tears of NC State students and athletes.
Video
Cameras? YouTube? I don’t know. Something like that.
Design
Do you have glasses? What about carpal tunnel? If you’re looking to work yourself to the bone, consider joining Design! Anticipate spending anywhere from 5 to 36 hours staring at a screen in Witherspoon Student Center, nudging blocks of text by half a centimeter until it all looks perfect. Or you can work from home, and send us silly drawings. Whichever you prefer. Caffeine is not provided but is highly recommended.
Copy
Copy is perfect for any student who would like to say they work at a paper but hate the writing required. Join us to provide nothing but utter, scathing critiques to overworked student journalists and section editors, all while working in the comfort of your own home. If you love telling people getting college degrees in English that their grammar is bad, copy editing may be the perfect section for you.
