Editor’s Note: This is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously or applied literally.
Strawberry, the giant, genderless, edible pop-tart titan of the Pop-Tarts Bowl, willingly departed from this mortal realm, sacrificing themself in the name of corporate advertising Dec. 28 after the Wolfpack’s 28-19 defeat.
While their time was short, every second of it was magical.
No one will forget Strawberry’s glorious, monumental entrance into the stadium: The champion rose from their colossal, cold, metal toaster, much like Cthulhu awoke from his Antarctic slumber. While Strawberry was silent, their arrival summoned a chorus of Florida-grade fireworks which clouded any view of the football field for the following 15 minutes.
What happened next can only be described as otherworldly.
Throughout the game, Strawberry blessed a few lucky chosen mortals in the stadium. First, a referee. The entire stadium watched, mouths agape and full of envy, as Strawberry anointed a referee as their acolyte, sealing their connection with a frosted hand to the behind.
At another point, Strawberry took the time to cherish their short life, breaking it down with a security guard affectionately dubbed “Cop-Tart.” But this childlike merriment was fleeting.
Strawberry’s pent-up rage upon the knowledge of their impending fate often surged, leading to periodical outbursts of existential fear enacted toward unsuspecting bystanders. At points in the game, children mistakenly took them for a fun, lighthearted pastry, only to find themselves face-to-face with the menacing fists and finger-guns only a cosmic being like Strawberry could wield.
Later into the game, Strawberry called on their cosmic powers and summoned a SpaceX launch, which averted the eyes of thousands as the Wolfpack attempted another stale drive.
But, other than the giant pastry mascot who brought us all laughter and the flu, who was Strawberry?
Unbeknownst to most, the selection process for the inaugural edible pop tart mascot is rigorous and deadly. Under Camping World Stadium lies a confectionary coliseum, where giant pop-tarts fight to the death to secure the ultimate honor of being consumed after a rather underwhelming bowl game.
After the Wolfpack’s toasty defeat, the non-edible effigy of Strawberry was lowered into the fiery depths of a colossal toaster, embodying Strawberry’s metamorphosis into something much greater than the physical.
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Strawberry’s not-so-convincing corpse was revealed in a great sheet cake likeness.
Kansas State’s football players desecrated the remains of our champion. They feasted on them without even removing the very gloves they used to bury the Wolfpack’s defeat.
United in grief, Wolfpack and Wildcats alike mourn the passing of this greater entity. Although Strawberry’s final resting place is not Brennan Armstrong’s commode, they will always be present in the hearts of the Wolfpack.
