I, Heidi Reid, former Assistant News Editor at Technician of NC State, being of sound mind and body, hereby declare this document to be my last will and testament.
To Jameson Wolf, I bequeath a rabies vaccination. It should come in the mail shortly. DO NOT OPEN THE OTHER PACKAGE.
To Allie Remhof, I bequeath a one dance. My last one. You need it more than I do.
To Myra Bari, I bequeath a Wellness Day. I think you really need to take one.
To Ben Ellis, I bequeath a year’s worth of cartwheel lessons. Meet me back in the office in one year’s time for a cartwheel competition rematch.
To Abigail Ali, I bequeath my sprawling guinea pig farm that spans 30 acres. Please do not unlock the shed in the field, no matter how loud the screams get. I know it sounds like I locked Esports in there, but I didn’t.
To Ellie Bruno, I bequeath a single white Monster Energy from the vending machine. Use it wisely.
To Ethan Rimolt, I bequeath “Mambo No. 5.” I will also lend you the keys to the photo closet that I stole if you ask nicely.
To Esports, I bequeath a lead pipe. The student has become the master.
To Jenna Cuniowski, I leave thoughts and prayers for next year. Just know that even though SOME PEOPLE may disagree, I believe women in sports are the future.
To Elyse Boldizar, I bequeath every purple shirt I have ever stolen from Anthropologie while I was watching you work.
To Mollie Mitchell, I bequeath the three fingers you’ve been missing. Now you are complete.
To Shilpa Giri, I bequeath one Spirit Airlines ticket to London. Be at Buckingham Palace at 2 p.m. tomorrow in medieval armor. You are being knighted by King Charles III to acknowledge your outstanding bravery and courage.
To Chloe Allen, I bequeath my seven beautiful ducks. They have been trained in classical ballet and would be perfect on ice skates.
To Mr. Sam Overton, I bequeath my vinyl collection. Develop music taste. I am leading you to water, but I can’t make you drink.
To Mari Fabian, I leave The Hemily Show. I know your directorial vision will lead the show to receive many additional accolades. Please cast Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen as Hemily.
To MK Giuffrida, I bequeath the thought of Pete Davidson dating Taylor Swift. And I’ve acquired the property rights to “Paper Rings (MK’s Version).” Enjoy the lawsuit!
To Wade Bowman, I bequeath all the things I took when I robbed your house. Except the Drake shrine. I am never giving that back.
To Emily Vespa, I bequeath the burden of carrying on my legacy. I leave you a sodie to quench your thirst in these troubling times. In my absence, please follow the traditional grieving practices of the Victorian era. I will see you in Fargo, North Dakota at the first stop of our sold-out, internationally acclaimed comedy tour. Fans are camping out at the FargoDome as we speak.
Boom shaka laka.
And love always!
xoxo,
heidi
