Editor’s Note: This is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously or applied literally.

Many have been following the drama of the House Speaker election. Few know the true story. 

For weeks, Congress has been embroiled in chaos. Since the unprecedented, historical ousting of Speaker Kevin McCarthy, the Republican Party has been tearing itself apart. News of screaming matches behind closed doors, mafia-esque ideological bouts and death threats to representatives and their families painted a dim outlook for the party, Congress and the entire nation. 

Out of nowhere, an unfamiliar name rose out of the ruin: Representative Mike Johnson of Louisiana. Unless you’re a political junkie and a buzzkill at parties, it’s likely you’ve never heard of him. A swift ascension from anonymity to the second most powerful figure in Washington — after weeks of bickering and infighting, the solution appeared so plainly and with unanimous support from Republicans virtually overnight. Where did he come from?

While DC may seem far from campus and a far cry from impacting NC State, insider sources on the Hill tell Technician that the speaker saga hits much closer to home than one might think. Representative Tuffy M. Wuf, I-N.C. — hailing from North Carolina’s premier red-and-white district — was an integral part of the behind-the-scenes drama. 

Aides from both sides of the aisle claim Wuf was poised to become the next speaker, before the ultra-conservative sect of the House engaged in a number of eleventh-hour backdoor dealings to ensure Johnson took the office instead of Wuf.

Wuf, a long time veteran of the House, graduated from NC State with a bachelor of arts in political science. The only independent in the House, Wuf has gained plaudits for his middle-of-the-road politics and capacity to compromise. These sensible and simple characteristics were beginning to draw like-representatives from both parties to his nomination. 

Unfortunately, hardline Republicans took issue with the balanced, calm and potentially productive Congress a Tuffy tenure could bring. 

Many have said Johnson’s most noteworthy experience was his support for overturning the 2020 Election, described as a “key architect” of the effort to deride President Biden’s victory. For starters, of course, a hefty amount of Republicans found refuge in a speaker who will fight tooth and nail for a cause with no premise. 

Representative Matt Gaetz, perhaps the most notorious character in pushing the speaker drama, is rumored to have been offering members bribes to solicit votes. His primary mechanism of payment was through Venmo, a platform the representative from Florida is intimately familiar with. 

Representative Jim Jordan, who failed in his bid for the speakership right before Johnson, has stood idly by while Johnson’s candidacy unfolded. Jordan notably has experience with sitting on his hands in the workplace while headline-worthy events occur. 

Majority leader Steve Scalise, another former candidate for the speakership, was also enticed to throw his weight behind Johnson. The self-described “David Duke without the baggage” was assured that Johnson’s zealous religious political ideology aligned well with his own personal values. 

By siding with Johnson, it appears some Republicans are more comfortable with his terribly homophobic positions than, say, a rational representative who doesn’t believe in criminalizing gay sex. 

In several instances, some Republicans sold their souls to evil deities in order to corral the outstanding votes needed to appoint Johnson — though this maneuver proved to have a minimal effect, as most high ranking members of the caucus had already dealt their eternal soul.

These representatives coalesced the night before Johnson’s candidacy. Though the divisions between House Republicans continue to be deep and ever-widening, they were able to agree that a sensible candidate with experience and the capacity to bridge gaps for the betterment of the institution and country was a non-starter. 

With the blocking of Tuffy and the promoting of a homophobic election denier, who knows where this Republican Party will lead us next. Perhaps we would’ve been better off with an empty chair and a figment of our imagination leading our country.