Since starting my studies at NC State, I’ve been certain about one thing: wanting to live and work in the United States. But while working hard to get decent grades and to gain experience in your chosen career field seems to be the way to go for American students, international students are better advised to spend their time finding a marriage partner than in the library.

There are roughly 85,000 H1B visas issued by the U.S. government with 200,000 applicants participating in a lottery system, hoping to live their own American Dream. I haven’t tried my luck with the lottery because I don’t want to leave things up to chance, but it seems the U.S. would rather gamble away entry tickets to its country than give hard-working and skilled immigrants a fair chance to prove they are an enrichment to the country’s economy, culture and society.  

So, how do you immigrate to a country that’s completely indifferent to the skillset and experience you bring to the table?

I recommend cooking classes for women to prove yourself a good and worthy housewife to potential suitors. Additionally, money spent on beauty products and cosmetic procedures is money well-spent because being nice to look at will certainly help your case. And what’s most important, if you’re thinking about showing off your smarts, remember that a trophy wife is best served displaying her intellect through hair curling tutorials rather than in a way that may threaten her husband’s intelligence.

If you’re a man who wants to immigrate to the U.S., you better have a nice physique and money, or at least drive a Mercedes-Benz E-Class. American women want to live extravagantly, so you should be prepared to go big or go home.

What should you do when you’ve finally found an American willing to marry you? You’ll want to make sure nothing and no one gets in between you and your visa. That’s why I’d recommend doing a thorough background check on your entry ticket into the United States — my apologies, I mean a background check on your future spouse. 

Any past love interests should be rendered insignificant and behind you. After all, you don’t want them to jeopardize your well-thought-through immigration plan.

The next step is ingratiating yourself to their best friend since their disapproval can crush your hopes and dreams. Every person has skeletons in their closet — I suggest finding and threatening to expose it because there isn’t a more effective way to keep someone close than sharing a secret. 

Depending on your potential spouse’s relationship to them, winning over their parents might be another hurdle to jump. While it is not outside the realm of possibility that you can capitalize on a secret family scandal, you might consider feigning genuine affection towards their offspring to get in their good graces.

Can you hear the wedding bells ringing? You should because setting a date and location for the wedding should be your priority after you’ve won over the most important people in your future spouse’s life.

I understand the first instinct when your mother-in-law gives you her old wedding gown, expecting you to wear it at the wedding, is to dump the thing in the trash, but I encourage you to suppress that urge, smile and tell sweet lies about how her unsolicited advice is greatly appreciated.

If you want to successfully immigrate to the United States, you must learn to pick your battles; if that means you need to take a page out of Anne Hathaway’s book of poor fashion choices, so be it.

As soon as the wedding is over and done with and the diamond ring on your finger designates you as a U.S. citizen, you can start pondering about how to get rid of the undesired side effect of the marriage agreement: your spouse. Divorce is certainly an option, and if push comes to shove, remember running away from your problems is a good choice.

After all, the United States consists of 50 different states, and as a citizen, you are free to live and work in every one of them for however long you please without having to eventually face eviction.

So, if your aim is to secure U.S. citizenship, why take your chances of winning the lottery if winning an American’s heart will get it handed to you on a silver platter?