Editor’s Note: This is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously or applied literally.
We all know where we were when amid a torrential lightning storm, the brand new Carter-Finley Stadium scoreboard shorted out. While some sources and videos show the lightning off in the distance, we all saw what really happened. While there are plenty of possible explanations, I’m here to offer you the most reasonable and sound ones.
Explanation 1: Otherworldly aliens?
I know it sounds completely improbable, but hear me out. Our scoreboard is believed to be the 11th largest scoreboard in college sports, and is the second largest in the ACC. Certainly, a scoreboard so big would attract the attention of extraterrestrial visitors.
As we have learned from the summer’s congressional hearings, aliens are without a doubt not only real, but have likely touched down on our planet. They were sure to have been watching the biggest annual event Earth has to offer: the first kickoff of the year at Carter-Finley Stadium.
Like a moth to a flame, these visitors would have been fascinated by the enormous screen. They were probably confused why thousands of people sat in a massive stadium, watching the rain fall.
Surely, when they beamed a nearby NC State student up and interrogated them, they were infuriated. Fifteen million dollars, money that could have paid at least 1,600 in-state students’ tuition, spent on a glorified TV?
They were outraged, so they shot down our beautiful scoreboard. Or they just thought it would look cool.
Explanation 2: An act of God?
The last thing I’d want to do is suggest NC State wouldn’t be applicable for the Act of God insurance clause. And with a school like Notre Dame, it would be hard not to suggest that God had a hand in things.
Being a Catholic school, Notre Dame most certainly had God on their side, and I don’t think he would have appreciated all the smack talk about Notre Dame.
Or maybe God just isn’t an NC State fan.
As such, it is entirely possible that the big man upstairs wished to exercise his omnipotent might on Carter-Finley. Or maybe God is a member of the Pack and was just as frustrated by the red-and-white’s inability to catch a football or string together an offensive drive. If the latter, it doesn’t seem like the team got the message.
Alternatively, I don’t see it as impossible that God was angry at our hubris. A scoreboard that expensive (again, $15 million, enough to cover a month’s worth of groceries for nearly 50,000 people), surely would be seen as offensively luxurious — perhaps this is the greed they talk about in the Bible. Would it be too much of a stretch to compare the scoreboard to a false idol?
Explanation 3: Was it students?
Consider the following: a cohort of upset meteorology students seeking revenge on the University. Why? Easy: The new scoreboard cost $15 million. That funding could have been allocated to each of the 12 colleges.
Do you know how many thermometers that money could have bought? Barometers? Weather balloons?
I wouldn’t put it past the English majors, either. I suspect a disproportionately high percentage of them grew up in the Percy Jackson fandom and therefore know more about channeling the Greek pantheon than they let on.
Certainly, they would have also felt the sting of not receiving any of those funds. Even if the College of Humanities and Social Sciences had only received $1 million, that could have bought about 8,700 textbooks.
Maybe we’re better off not knowing. Maybe it doesn’t matter if the lightning actually hit the scoreboard. Maybe the more important question to ask is: Who spends $15 million on a scoreboard?
