Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
With winter break just around the corner, who has time to focus on finals? The only thing you can bother studying is the flight number on your boarding pass and packing the most amount of stuff into the smallest bag you own to avoid baggage check fees.
Before you know it, you’re at the airport. There’s nothing more exciting about getting to start your vacation two hours early because that’s how long it takes to get through the security line. Boarding pass and ID in hand, you’ll stand in line for hours, mentally cheering as each suitcase in front of you scoots forward little by little. Woo, only one hour and 59 minutes until we’re through. Then again, you might need that long to arrange all your belongings in the plastic bins. Personally it takes me about 60 seconds, but some people tend to take all day. Maybe they’re already in vacation mode. I don’t know.
Finally, you make it to the front of the roped-off maze, and there’s a break in the premier access cutters who are way too important to wait in line with you. Now it’s time to put those kindergarten skills to the test to see just how efficiently adults can follow directions. It’s understandable that this part might be a little complicated for some people, though. I mean who would’ve thought that “empty your pockets completely” meant take out your wallet too? Or that “liquids in the trash” included the large-sized tube you packed of your favorite shampoo? It’s OK, we don’t mind waiting while you come to the realization that you don’t have special privileges like the rest of us.
And … through security. Running short on time to find your gate? No worries! The airlines practically build in an unpredicted delay into the plane tickets. For example, a flight scheduled for 9 a.m. definitely won’t be taking off until at least 10:45 a.m. Not long enough? Not a problem. Most delays tend to be several hours, and some are so accommodating that they actually reschedule completely to give you a whole extra day. Jackpot.
Once the first class travelers get their complimentary food and pillows and drinks, the rest of the common folk can find their seats and spaciously stretch out their legs, kick back and relax to the record-breaking sounds of the infant crying who is just so excited to be locked in with you for the next 500 minutes.
Make sure your credit card is handy because you’re about to pay for some strongly mediocre snack packs. And the best part? They only cost about three times as much as they should. No wonder we don’t need free peanuts anymore. The only thing free about the flight now is that vibrating chair from the turbulence. Back massage, anyone?
Already looking to get out of any family gatherings or chores? You won’t even have to lie to your parents about coming down with a fever. Whether you’re sitting in the same row as the cougher or 12 rows back from the sneezer, you’re bound to catch something. Pneumonia, bronchitis, strep throat… you name it, the plane’s got it.
The captain comes on the loudspeaker, and you’re ready to land back in home sweet home. It’s going to be hard the rest of break to top that glorious experience, but hey, in just a few weeks after, you’ll get to do the whole thing over again when you fly back to Raleigh in January.
