Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
Students all over campus arrived at a consensus this past week, agreeing that they would like to hear more about dogs that are not their own. This new “Let’s Talk about Your Dog” movement was started by enthusiastic freshman, Jacob Jacobs, in a Twitter campaign titled #AllDogsMatter.
Jacobs claimed that inspiration struck him early one rainy morning when an acquaintance living in South Carolina failed to update Facebook about their new dog. The effect of this interaction, remembered Jacobs, was enough for the pre-industrial-era engineering major to decide to change the world, one 140 character limit statement at a time.
Monday, Jacobs and the movement’s fanatic supporters held a rally in the Brickyard. About five students wielded picket signs containing graphic images of puppies who haven’t yet received an Instagram like for their owner’s latest post. These signs visibly affected all who walked by. Jacobs passed out pamphlets and begged fellow students to not use them as napkins.
Fellow #AllDogsMatter supporter Alison Mackenzie expressed her own support for the important cause.
“I just love seeing these dogs wag their tails when strangers show their love. These animals just love being patted and scratched. I am truly jealous—can’t the dog owners get a little love too? I’d love a petting on the street!” Mackenzie said, her eyes turning glassy as she fantasized about a surprise sidewalk stroke and nursed what appeared to be minor psychological childhood trauma.
Isabel Canineth, a sophomore studying interspecies communication, spoke fondly of her own dog, Fido, on the Brickyard yesterday.
Canineth, completely unprompted, responded, “I know I can’t buy groceries, since Fido has to eat. But I just love being able to point at dear Fido who sits patiently in the corner wagging his tail, when the Hound comes on while I’m watching Game of Thrones. Fido howls when I do this, and I feel so much personal gratification and a sincere, deep connection to Westeros because I too have my own hound.”
Except dear Fido is not a hound, but a curly mutt—Canineth informed me that the pooch was indeed hypoallergenic, but after a bit of investigative journalism, her three sniffling, red-eyed roommates assured Canineth that dear Fido is not.
Matthew Wilkinson, passerby, reminisced about his own precious pooch, Waggytail. Wilkinson fondly chuckled over Waggytail’s refusal to eat blue tortilla chips, and the dog’s obvious preference of the yellow variety.
Wilkinson said, “I love sharing food with my dog, and this is something I even share on my resume. Employers appreciate this type of kindness—it shows a deep appreciation of and oneness with life in all its forms.”
Wilkinson continued, “I want to pet Waggytail, rub my face on him, lick him, sleep with him—basically everything short of inappropriate relations with Waggytail.”
Other students like Wilkinson chimed in from every corner of the Brickyard—all agreed with the importance of giving your dog extra social media love every single day, and students offered examples of perfect opportunities to work your furry friend into every conversation. They suggested interjecting them into conversations as an icebreaker, as a response to any unrelated question and even sharing an imitation of your dog’s bark as a “goodbye.”
Jacobs said, “It is really important that dogs begin receiving the love they deserve—I’m glad that I can bring awareness to such a serious topic.”
