Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
On Thursday at about 11:15 a.m., a white male, 5-foot-7, was seen leaving the Free Expression Tunnel in a rush, spray paint in hand. Investigation revealed a horrific discovery: freshly painted on the wall read an expression as profane as it is original, “F— the police.” This is the first time in known history that anyone has had the audacity, nay, the courage, to write profanity in the Free Expression Tunnel.
One student gave her flustered response.
“I just, I don’t know how to cope with this news,” said Ange Merke, a sophomore studying criminal justice. “As a criminal justice major, I’m shocked to say the least. I think I’m going to change to something less dangerous, something that has more respect to it, like the IRS, you know? Nobody writes ‘F— the IRS’ in spray paint.”
She explained that she did not expect being a police officer to be such a dangerous job, and she had no idea how many groups target police for hate crimes such as this.
Taelor (pronounced “Tyler”) Aubrey shared a different perspective.
“It’s about time someone stood up to the Man,” Aubrey said.
Aubrey declined to explain who “the Man” is.
When asked again, he said, “You know. The Man. Them. We’re tired of being victimized.”
When pressed about who he meant by “we,” Aubrey explained the devastating story.
“My cousin was arrested for carrying four ounces of weed, a Glock and a list of people to whom he was planning on distributing the weed, and they locked him up on trumped-up charges,” Aubrey said.
Weed is a narcotic better known as “cannabis,” or its street name, “crank.”
Copycats have also been found in the Free Expression Tunnel graffiti-ing their own curse words. Authorities are shaken by young adults aged 18–21 spray painting bad words and genitalia, admitting that they have no power to stop them. In an official release by NC State University Police, the department responded, “They’re right. We can’t even do anything. F— us,” before declaring their official resignation as a police force.
University police suspect the vandalism may have been caused by a number of prominent students involved with NC State’s chapter of “Black Lives Matter” who have gotten into trouble for virulent anti-police raving before. However, it is noteworthy that none of them stand at exactly 5-foot-7.
In April, when an unarmed black man was shot 19 times by a white police officer who had to stop and reload before continuing to shoot in that one city — you know the one — members of “Black Lives Matter” were arrested and brutally beaten for lobbying in the Brickyard, shouting inflammatory chants such as, “Please don’t shoot us 19 times,” and, “Seriously, these kinds of protests should not be a cliché at this point.”
NC State Anarchists have spoken out in favor of the vandalism, saying they do not take credit for the acts but applaud whoever is responsible. The Anarchist Club has received criticism in the past for calling for the death of all law enforcement and first responders, including firefighters and EMS, whom the club refers to as “fascists,” and for taking responsibility for the destruction of a University Police Segway last spring, costing the department more than $12 in damages. Investigators, who shall remain anonymous, do not suspect the white members of the Anarchy Club, however, citing the fact that they’re good kids, just a little misguided.
One thing is for sure, though — whoever is perpetrating these heinous acts is totally cool. Like, seriously, that’s so cool and edgy. Mom lives in Apex, she can’t tell me what to do. She can’t stop me from writing swears, I’m in college, I’m an adult now. I can do whatever I want. She can’t even ground me, f— you mom, f— the police!
