Happy Fifth of July, readers. I hope you all celebrated America’s independence by way of your annual reaffirmation to corporate slavery. Ironically, I didn’t celebrate the Fourth as it’s traditionally celebrated; I spent the entire day driving to South Carolina to replenish my supply of fireworks for the remaining 364 days of the year. I love America, and I celebrate it every day, which is why I was shocked when I read an article on CNN’s website titled “We’re No. 1! We’re No. 1! We’re … uh … not?”

The article dives right in by citing some disturbing ratings, like America’s seventh-place ranking in literacy and 27th-place ranking in math. I’m not sure what the writer was trying to get at by saying this, but I can do simple addition, and 7 and 27 don’t equal 1.

So maybe we’re not the best at education, but I’ll tell you what America is number one in: eating. When it comes to eating, America has always pulled its own weight. And that’s surprising, because we weigh a lot. Just think of what would happen if Americans didn’t eat so much; tons of food would go to waste each year. However, this charitable consumption has come back to hurt us in another category: healthcare.

According to the CIA Factbook CNN cites, America ranks 50th in life expectancy. In the article, writer Todd Leopold compares the U.S. to Japan, which comes in third for life expectancy. What’s perplexing is that the United States spent 18 percent of its GDP on healthcare in 2011, whereas Japan on spent 8.5 percent. Japan made healthcare mandatory; their system is much like the new Obamacare system. If patients can’t afford premiums, the government provides assistance. It all sounds like socialist mumbo-jumbo to me.

“What’s so special about Japan?” Leopold asks.

That’s right. What’s so special about Japan? What is Leopold thinking by comparing the United States to a country whose chief export is sex robots? (By the way, we ranked fourth in exports.) 

Clearly an America hater, Todd Leopold, goes on to discuss education, and guess what. We’re not number one in that either-Finland is. I bet it’s really easy to learn physics when it’s taught by letting kids use Finland’s only meaningful contribution to the world-Angry Birds.

Circa 1970, education in Finland was dismal, so what changed? An interview with Pasi Sahlberg , a former official in the education ministry, reveals that Finland began investing heavily in their teachers, and provided food, healthcare and dental care to children living in poverty. But wait … Sahlberg admits that most of the ideas came from America.

Oh, that’s cool, Finland. In the realm of education, copying a peer is called cheating in America.

Finland’s number one ranking is credited to less disparity between Finland’s upper and lower classes, and a focus on building good teachers, not test scores. This is a conundrum, for sure. Without the rich-poor distinction, how will I know where to send my kids to school? Do I go to the nice private school, or do I go to the almost-as-nice state-funded public school?

“We have this narrative that we’re failing, failing, failing.” Diane Ravitch , an education historian, told Leopold. “The rest of the world would like to be like us, and we’re saying, ‘What’s wrong with us? We’re so terrible.’ It must be some kind of American inferiority complex.” (For the record, America does not have an inferiority complex. Sure, sometimes we wish our peninsula was a little bigger, but Florida does just fine.)

If Ravitch is right about one thing, it’s that other countries do want to be like us. That’s why many of them implement and tweak our policies to suit their needs. According to these polls, America’s individualistic and static approach to solving major problems is the cause for us falling behind countries that continue to grow. Their constant trial and error in an effort to improve is called “pragmatism.”

Americans have a reputation for being self-righteous, but it’s easy to feel arrogant when everyone wants to be like us. After all, we were number one.  But I have no doubt that America will reclaim its number one spot-not by testing newer and better policy, but by waiting until everyone succeeds in being like us.

But as Americans proved yesterday, Americans are still number one in blowing up stuff, a ranking we Arabs want so badly. As always, America showed the world that we’re number one in having fun.