It’s that time of year again. That’s right — cheesy New Year resolutions columns. Personally, I am trying to lose about 20 pounds. My ass has gotten so big from shoveling holiday food down my mouth, the University wants to lease it to build a new residence hall. I have accepted the offer. Unlike everyone else on campus you won’t see me in Carmichael Gymnasium trying to lose those unwanted pounds. No, I am doing it the easy way — Jenny Craig.
This year, for some unknown reason, a number of administrators e-mailed me their New Year’s resolutions, and asked me to share them with the student body. Why they chose me, I have no idea your guess is as good as mine. So here they go, in no particular order. And please remember these are “resolutions” of quote, administrators, unquote. So I can not be held responsible for their content — especially if they are offensive.
Head football coach Chuck Amato told me his resolution was to go to the ear doctor. Given that Amato was the ONLY person in the WORLD not to hear all the boos of angry Wolfpack fans at Carter-Finely Stadium this past season. It reminds me of the movie Van Wilder. Remember the deaf basketball coach? If not go rent the movie or you can borrow my copy.
On a related note. Booing the coaching staff is perfectly acceptable since Amato and his assistants make more money than God. But save your vocal criticisms for the student athletes for another day. Remember they are students just like you and me. I am going to start attending random classes when the professor returns tests or homework. When a student gets a bad grade I’ll lead the rest of the class in chastising that student. If you think you can play any better, strap on a jockstrap and get out there on the field.
Dr. Linda Brady, dean of the College of Humanities and Social Sciences at North Carolina State University, had this resolution — “to get the hell out of dodge.” Dean Brady will become the next provost and senior vice president at the University of Oregon. No surprise Brady is leaving after being turned down for a similar position right here at N.C. State. The University of Oregon is located in Eugene and its mascot is a duck. Like Donald Duck. After taking a virtual tour of the campus it reminded me of Appalachian State University but on steroids. Looking for a going away present for Brady? How about a new wardrobe? Wolfpack red definitely clashes with Oregon’s green and yellow.
Dr. John Risley, an NCSU physics professor who also moonlights as the CEO of WebAssign has this New Years resolution — find additional ways to steal money from students. Don’t worry Dr. Risley; the Board of Trustees has got you covered. I have an idea. When a student submits their homework via WebAssign they should be charged extra fees for getting answers wrong. The dumber you are the more you will pay. Who needs these people on campus anyway? They just drive down our academic reputation.
Speaking of stealing money, NCSU Executive in Residence First Lady Mary Easley has resolved to allow C-Stores to sell cigarettes and lottery tickets. Easley, who “works” out of the Provost’s Office, is tired of NCSU students traveling to Virginia to buy their lotto tickets. And you can’t sell lottery tickets without selling cigarettes — it’s just un-American.
Well, if all these administrators hold true to the New Years resolutions the campus is certainly going to be a better place.
