Strike up the band, blow up the balloons, hang the streamers. Today I am officially announcing my candidacy for Student Body President at North Carolina State University. Thank you. Your support will be crucial on the road to the White House. Make that Witherspoon Student Center.
Not to brag or anything, but I do know the issues facing students probably better than anyone else in North Carolina, especially legislators and administrators. I have the experience, two terms as president of the 16-campus UNC Association of Student Governments (a.k.a. the student member of the UNC Board of Governors) and one term as Student Body Treasurer. Not to mention everything else I have done as a student activist. Does anyone want to have a debate? Wait, I usually host the annual student body election debate on my radio show.
Students want more than experience and good ideas; they want more than anything to have a strong, vocal advocate. I think I fit that bill.
I think it’s important to get a few things out of the way especially before my opponents launch their smear campaign against me. First, I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Chancellor Marye Anne Fox. Also, I did not inhale, I promise.
Unlike my political opponents I am going to tell the student body the real reasons why I am running for the highest office in the campus student governance system — the PERKS. The posh parking permit which is given to all members of the Board of Trustees. The permit basically allows the holder to park anywhere on campus including the middle of the brickyard. This way I can get the transportation department off my back for always parking in a spot which they deem a “violation.”
Then there are the free tickets to any Wolfpack athletic event. During football season the student body president “shares” a suite in Vaughn Tower with the Chancellor. Vote for me and I’ll give you free tickets. I am excited about riding the VIP elevator to the luxury box level at the RBC Center for men’s basketball games. Again, vote for me, and I’ll give you free tickets.
What about the black-tie dinners, gala award ceremonies and strippers? The perks are endless. There is the plush corner office on the third floor of Witherspoon. And the $4,000 a year stipend. To be honest, NCSU is a little lacking in its perks for the student body president. At NC A&T State University the student body president gets an on-campus apartment and clothing allowance. To makes thing easy I’ll take up residence in the Chancellor’s residence on Hillsborough Street since he’ll be moving to a new home on Centennial Campus.
As a fair, honest and respectable journalist I have a duty to mention the other candidates running for Student Body President. They are in alphabetical order: Andrew Barnes, Sara Yasin, Will Langley and Will Quick. The list, though not exhaustive, has some familiar faces like Langley and Quick who have both run unsuccessfully for Student Body President in the past. Barnes is a student senator and chair of the University Affairs committee. It is unclear if the Pirate Captain will run again. And what about Lock Whiteside?
My opponents will attack my age. “He’s too old.” They said the same thing about President Ronald Reagan. “He’s out of touch with the common student.” “All he does is sit on his high horse over at Technician and bitch and complain about aspects of campus.” These accusations are simply not true. I am friend to the common student. I’ve worked in the textile mills, stood in line for tickets and eaten at Fountain Dining Hall.
Next time we’ll examine my platform in detail, but know that it will include everyone’s favorite subject, alcohol. Thank you for your support.
