A couple walks hand in hand down the brick path that leads to the Free Expression Tunnel. They lean in, embrace and push their lips together in a firm, slow goodbye kiss while other students make their way to class.
The difference between this couple and the conventional couples stealing kisses on campus draws attention from some students. Some look in disgust, some smile at the display of love, while others walk by in indifference, wrapped up in their own lives. But to these two men, this couple — and other same-sex couples — their relationship is the same as all the others. They get butterflies when they see each other across the brickyard, dread meeting their partner’s parents and have the occasional spat.
“We fight about something really stupid like ‘Why didn’t you call me last night?'” Jeremy Hall, a junior in computer science, said.
Hall and his boyfriend Mike have been dating for 13 months and rarely fight. Andrew Rose, a junior in business management, recently ended a slightly serious relationship with a girl he dated for a couple months. Rose, unlike Hall, said he would fight with his girlfriend about “petty things.”
Rose said they had to find middle ground because she would get jealous when he hung out with other girls. He believes trust is needed so a couple can succeed, and both parties must make a little sacrifice. All couples fight about insignificant things and have to learn to work through their differences in order for their relationship to survive.
Hall, like Rose, made sacrifices when he started dating Mike. Hall used to party a lot, but now stays in with his boyfriend. Mike is a smoker, and Hall found he could look past a small thing like smoking when he realized how much he liked Mike.
Sacrifice comes after the dating starts. One of the most nerve-racking things about dating is making that first move. The fear of rejection is as prevalent in seeking a same-sex relationship as any other relationship.
“Approaching someone who has never been in a lesbian relationship is hard because you’re always wondering ‘is this for real or is it a phase?'” Latasha Murphy, a junior in biological sciences, said.
Murphy has been dating her current girlfriend for over three years, but she remembers the days of trying to find someone to date.
Dr. Richard Tyler, a counselor at the N.C. State Health Center, said he believes some people are afraid to come out because they are afraid of the unknown dating scene. Figuring out if someone will be receptive scares everyone, but someone seeking a partner of the same sex has to cross their fingers that the person is not going to reject them in a colorful way.
Once the initial rush of asking someone on a date is over, picking that perfect date location is the next step. Whether a person is just starting a relationship or has been with their partner for over a decade, the type of date is universal: dinner.
Tyler and his partner of 12 years like to find newer and nicer restaurants when celebrating something.
“We take turns planning the date so we both get the feeling of being wooed,” Tyler said.
Rose goes for the traditional dinner and a movie unless he knows the girl better. He likes more fun, original dates but likes to target them towards his date’s personality.
While an exotic, new place is fun, some people have usual places they always go.
“We go to the Olive Garden; I love the Olive Garden,” Murphy said.
Apprehension about meeting the parents is instilled in everyone. When facing the fear of parents blaming sexual orientation on someone, the fear is maximized. The response is mixed in couples and parents — reception and rejection are prominent.
“My parents are really welcoming to girls I bring home,” Rose said.
Morris, however, has quite a different story. He has never taken his boyfriend of two years home, because when he told his mother about his boyfriend, she wrote him a four-and-a-half-page letter about how he is “nailing more nails into Jesus.” She also equated him with a “witch and a murderer.” However, this past February, a year after he told his mother, Morris received another letter from her telling him that he can bring his boyfriend home anytime.
“My parents were happy when I met someone and were really eager to meet him,” Tyler said. His parents met his partner after they had only been dating for two weeks.
Murphy’s father was really receptive and invited her and her girlfriend to come over anytime. Murphy’s mother, however, pretends they are just friends and has much the same reaction as Morris’. Whenever Murphy is alone with her mother, she is bombarded with Bible verses. Yet, her mother is still nice to the couple.
Even though relationships are all basically the same, same-sex relationships tend to have a different dynamic and fear. Gender roles are the main difference because the couple has to redefine the gender roles and find what their strengths are and base the relationship on that.
The second main difference is fear. Often a same-sex couple feels they have to hide their relationship in public. Hall’s boyfriend rarely holds his hand in public.
“Society makes it difficult to come out because [same-sex dating] is an unacceptable lifestyle,” Murphy said.
A difficulty that same-sex daters must overcome is finding where they can meet people. Tyler started Coffee Talks, a weekly meeting in the Women’s Center through Identity Defined, because students were coming to him complaining that there was no common place for meeting people in Raleigh. Tyler knew that by this the students meant they were sick of trying to pick up people at Legends (a gay club). So, Tyler formed Coffee Talks as a “safe place for people to meet other people and just hang out in a non-threatening, casual environment.”
For Tyler and others, same-sex dating is hard because if a guy hits on the wrong guy, the consequences could be disastrous.
“If a guy hits on me in a nice, subtle way, I take the compliment and nicely turn him down,” Rose said.
Tyler said most people who are seeking a same-sex relationship are hoping for a reaction like Rose’s, but it is not always the case.
To Hall, Murphy and Tyler, a relationship is a relationship, no matter if the couple is the same or opposite sex.
“It’s just people loving people,” Morris said.