Valentine’s Day is the most romantic of holidays. From childhood, good American students are conditioned to give valentines and express favoritism to those around them. This trend continues into college as students find themselves propelled into adulthood, and Valentine’s Day rituals come to include the expression of affection to that “special someone.”

For those coupled nicely together, Valentine’s Day is a day of giving and receiving, of cuddling and romantic dinners and flowers and chocolate. However, for those who are single, Valentine’s Day is a day to keep one’s eyes down when walking to suppress the acidic taste of indigestion, while avoiding the droves of cuddling pairs. For those dear readers who find themselves in a solo state this Feb. 14, here is a guide for making the most of your singleness.

1. Feel sorry for yourself

Consider the fact that you are alone. Think of that person whom you would like to be that special someone, and remind yourself over and over that this individual does not care about you. Picture yourself as the last kid asked to dance at the school social. Everyone else has convened on the dance floor to wrap their arms around each other, and you are left without a partner. Cyndi Lauper is playing in the background. “Time after time,” she declares, as you agree that you are, once again, alone. Take note of all the attractive guys or gals who do not know you exist. If, when walking down the street, you happen to pass someone who catches your fancy, take a moment to curse cruel fate and absorb the injustice of the fact that he or she was not instantly drawn to your side in admiration.

Good rule of thumb: The length of time elapsed without a date should be indicative of the degree to which you wallow in self-loathing.

2. Take it personally

If you observe an absence of adoring admirers in your life, it is clearly your fault. By any means of logical reasoning, you must not be attractive enough or smart enough, and you are definitely too fat. You have the personality of a cardboard box on sedatives, and you have no idea how to have a good time. You should probably just never speak.

3. Isolate yourself

It is best that you do not have any contact with friends or family during this time. You don’t want anyone around who might make you laugh or realize how good your life really is. There is no room for the appreciation of the people in your life in the observation of Valentine’s Day. Avoid contact with other people and spend as much time in front of the TV by yourself as possible. MTV dating shows are perfect for times such as these. When you have no one to snuggle with, a gallon of ice cream will do just fine. Put your arm around the one you love, hold tight and don’t let go until it’s all gone.

4. Consume

When you find yourself in a turbulent emotional state, drown your sorrows in alcoholic beverages and hide behind a wall of calories. The more the better. Nothing says “I hate myself” more than 10 extra pounds. Take advantage of the surplus of chocolate on the shelves of local stores and indulge in your favorite comfort foods. If you are single on Valentine’s Day and unhappy about it, there is nothing more assuring than fried and greasy foods high in saturated fats, as well as sweet delicacies -Ã always the perfect emotional anesthetic. And whatever you do, do not exercise. No one wants that cleansing, healthy feeling brought on by productive physical exertion, especially when bemoaning the state of one’s love life.

5. Don’t bathe

Poor hygiene is key. Evidently, no one cares how you smell anyway, since no one wants to be near you. Toothpaste -Ã who needs it? Lose the comb and say goodbye to the laundry basket. Ladies, throw away any and all makeup. Gentlemen, your deodorant is holding you back. Free yourself from the social confines of accepted physical norms and truly demonstrate your carefree lack of attention to the fact that you have no one to love.

6. Go on the prowl

Sweet love that does not come to you voluntarily must be forced into submission at all costs. If Cupid does not come your way, kidnap him, clip his little wings and confiscate his arrows. Brutal force may be necessary in procuring the affections of your significant other. Don’t be afraid to flex those muscles, and manipulation is essential in wrenching devotion from the heart of that special someone. All is fair in love and war, and sometimes love and war are the same thing. Baby, love is a battlefield. It may be time to bring out the big guns.

7. Compare yourself with others

Look around you. Observe couples in their natural habitats. Take note of others engaging in public displays of affection and hypothesize what they have that you don’t. Ladies, consider the girl holding hands with the guy you would love to talk to. Are her clothes nicer than yours? Is she skinnier? Does she have better hair? Gentlemen, consider the guy with his arm around the girl you would love to be beside. Is he in better shape? Are his biceps bigger than yours? Is he funnier than you are? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” you obviously lack the qualifications to be loved. If the answer to all of these questions is “no,” what is wrong with you? You should spend some time figuring out why you are just not good enough.

8. Stubbornly stay in denial

If indeed you experience a lack of attention this romantic February, do not allow yourself any emotion. Steel yourself against pain and ignore any hurt feelings. Tell yourself that those around you who happen to be half of a couple are just weak and need to lean on someone else because they can’t make it on their own. Repeat the following statement over and over to yourself whenever you feel yourself faltering: “I do not care.” If you are indeed the last kid left standing at the school dance, convince yourself that you did not want to dance anyway. Dancing is stupid and a waste of time. You’ve got better things to do.

These steps are only a few of the ones you can take toward becoming a happier, more fulfilled single. Take a moment to think of how these guidelines may be incorporated into your holiday season.

Warning: These steps may promote bitterness, discontent, sadness and loneliness. Side effects include a decrease in social activity, chronic anger and, in some cases, intense paranoia.

Embrace your singleness, and have a happy Valentine’s Day.