With all the pesky exams instructors are giving right now, and the multitude of things on and off our campus to trouble us, stress definitely seems to be a problem.
The end of this constant barrage of stress is nowhere in sight. Normally, a satirist with my cynical and sarcastic wit would not bother addressing the issue of stress, but as it has come to affect me as of late, I have decided to take the issue by the horns and wrestle it to the ground. And as the pen is mightier than the sword, I shall slay this problem with the eloquence of the virtual pen contained within my word processing software.
With that in mind, I have a few modest proposals that I would like to extend as a means of taking the battle to stress and eliminating it once and for all. We can purge the University, nay, the entire world of stress with a concerted effort and these simple steps.
For starters, I propose that we eliminate all forms of relaxation and holidays. True, we have health experts and medical sociologists who will tell us that stress has numerous derogatory effects on the human mind. According to these experts, stress weakens the immune system and increases negative physical responses like raising blood pressure or driving us to seek comfort foods, usually of the unhealthy variety. The experts also say we need to take time out of our lives, on a daily basis, to relax instead of simply relying on our relaxation binges during weekends and holidays.
I say such a defeatist attitude is utterly reprehensible; it reeks of the sort of treason that would undermine the very foundation of our society! Rome was not built in a day, nor was it built by incompetent loafers and gluttonous sloths. And America was built through the sweat, blood and elbow grease of our forefathers; we cannot afford to let their toils and sacrifices be lost for the sake of “having a little downtime.”
Experts also say sleep is necessary for every adult, claiming we all need a minimum of eight hours every night to rest, reset and reduce stress. That is a full one-third of our 24-hour day, leaving us only 16 hours of productive time to do important things, which I find to be morally detestable and economically stupid.
Clearly, we should wage a war on sleep and have our chemists, biologists and doctors work around-the-clock to find a cure for this most inefficient, profligate waste of our time. The benefits of Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep and its resetting effects on our brain are mere roadblocks to humanity’s conquest of stress.
This would also make it possible for us to exercise more, which is one of the few things I will agree with the experts on. We need able-bodied persons to fight this war on stress, and by eliminating such frivolities as holidays, relaxation and sleep, we give ourselves ample time to make ourselves fit the perfect body images we relentlessly present to our citizens and become the brilliant, self-made intellectual giants we all endeavor to become.
These are but a few of the modest ideas this satirist was able to come up with for defeating stress once and for all. I encourage you all to join me in stepping outside the box of those who preach the perfectly reasonable approach to dealing with stress via relaxation, sleep, exercise and the like. With brilliance and ingenuity, we can overcome these logical ideas with the unorthodox approach that defines America.
