When I moved to Raleigh for college all the way from India last fall, I was blissfully unaware of how a long-distance relationship actually functioned. I was convinced that we would be able to wing it and that things would magically work out between us, even though I had just hopped off an 18-hour flight. People do it all the time, I thought. After computing the window of time during which both of us would be awake, I imagined we’d be the exception to the thousands of other long-distance couples who had called it quits (for admittedly lesser distances).
In the exciting prospect of having a brand-new life in a completely different environment, I had failed to logically consider issues such as the complications of the 10-hour time difference and virtual communication that would heavily depend on Wi-Fi speeds. In addition, I failed to consider the fact that the moment I would begin to figure out my own life had finally arrived. I could have been labeled as positively determined, but in retrospect, I was merely naive to assume that it was going to last.
Effort is the fuel on which every kind of interpersonal relationship runs: You get what you put in. However, when you’re a student, between an average of 16 hours of academic credit per semester, extracurricular activities and the highly complex math of calculating the consequences of skiving off that one lecture to sleep in, throwing a long-distance relationship into the mix revolutionizes the definition of effort. It’s like signing up for a course worth a varying number of credit hours that you could very well fail, even before appearing for a single test.
I would find myself keeping track of two clocks instead of one, and he would say ‘goodnight’ at lunch and ‘good morning’ at dinner. There were several occasions when I stayed up until two in the morning, or when he awoke during the ungodly hours before dawn, all for a short conversation punctuated by tired yawns. Not that I thought it wasn’t worth it — I cared about him very much — but my sleep cycle was a living nightmare. All of that energy could have been spent on trying new things, meeting people and having fun in real time and space.
College is the best place to explore self-identity and to push your own boundaries in search of your passion. You shouldn’t be held back from this amazing experience by anything during these golden years. Putting yourself first isn’t wrong, and neither is choosing a high GPA over high levels of stress, which only elevate with each unanswered phone call or text. It is quite a task to plan a future for yourself along with someone who is as confused about his own as you are, if not more. Now is the time to learn, make mistakes and then learn some more.
Of course, people may rightfully argue that love conquers all, and that distance is a very trivial reason to end something that has been working as perfectly as a well-oiled machine. We had been friends since we were eight, and I genuinely liked him for who he was, so I was one of those firm and optimistic believers. That, however, changed as I quickly realized that I was fighting a losing battle against a lot more than just the distance and the time zones: the insecurity and anxiety that developed due to not being able to see him face-to-face were skilled warriors.
To top it off, the crippling fear of whether he really wanted this, or if he was just going with the flow, constantly haunted me. Letting go was tough, and I was heartbroken (though oddly relieved) after he called it off. Since sharing every aspect of my day with him had become a ritual, withdrawal symptoms and sharp pangs of loneliness followed. I missed him immensely, even more than I’d missed him before. I struggled with impulses to contact him, even though the rational side of me knew that ending it was a very sensible decision on his part. I knew that nothing more than spiraling into misery could come out of another shot — neither of us were going to relocate anytime soon, so the underlying problem would remain unresolved.
Nevertheless, I found joy and satisfaction in playing badminton at Carmichael, being a part of Vox Accalia, the women’s choir at State and even getting better grades. My friends and family were my strongest support system and made it a lot easier to get through. It gets better with each moment of acceptance, even though there still lies the possibility of the occasional bad day.
Sure, this could be the cynical post-break up phase talking, and there do exist happy high school couples that survive the distance through college (kudos to y’all), but I’m sure that being single rather than in a long-distance relationship this semester has contributed more to my independence, personal growth and happiness.
