Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.
Following the release of Apple’s AirPods in December 2016, NC State students have begun sticking random crap in their ears. According to some experts, the epidemic of having something in the ears probably has to do with the AirPods’ short battery life.
“You can only listen to music for five minutes before needing to charge them,” said Greg Spindle, a Consumer Reports analyst. “While they’re charging, kids feel the need to stick something else in their ears and will use whatever is on hand.”
Students have been spotted around campus with ludicrous items sticking out of their ears, including pieces of mulch, blackboard chalk and pieces of hay. One customer waiting for his order at Tuffy’s Diner was seen rolling up his receipt to stick in his ear. Just before it was too late, a Tuffy’s worker called his order.
Some experts believe another factor in the rise of this new trend is that “kids these days” listen to music at “all hours of the day.”
“My son, for example, never takes his headphones out,” said Rick Abbott, a pediatric psychologist. “He comes back from college to visit sometimes, but doesn’t say a word over dinner.”
Abbott says he’s skeptical that his son’s earphones are even plugged in when he has them in his ears.
“I think he’s just acting like he can’t hear his mother and me,” Abbott said. “We plead with him to tell us whether he’s getting enough to eat, but he never answers.”
Abbott crassly added that his son’s arms and legs are “basically sticks” and that he should really get some meat on his bones.
For some students, a new form of expression has been born with the advent of choosing what to put in their ears every day.
“It’s like choosing what beads to braid my neckbeard with,” said Chuck Wellington, a seventh-year student studying computer science. Wellington had his mouth full with a chipurrito bowl while he spoke and covered himself in crumbs.
As this new medium of expression grows in popularity, some are getting a little defensive about who started it all.
“I just want everyone to be aware: I’m the first person on campus to start using AirPods,” said Stephen Ramsey, a sixth-year student studying music. “I didn’t see anyone else using AirPods before I did, so yet again, I have set another trend for which I get no credit.”
Ramsey then stormed off, tripping on his “scarf” made of recycled paper bags from the Atrium as he went. Nobody stopped to help, clearly uncomfortable about the pathetic scene.
According to reports, Ramsey’s roommates started putting Q-tips in their ears to mock him, but the ironic trend found an unironic crowd.
Some students are worried about the epidemic of ear apparel developing among their peers, and that it poses a threat to students’ health. Amy Crochet, a junior studying nutrition, said she is worried about her girlfriend, who has taken to sticking her toothbrush in her ear after using it every morning.
“She’ll keep it in there with tape, so it’s not, like, down her ear canal, but it still worries me,” Crochet said. “I don’t know if her ears stink because her breath does or vice versa.”
