Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
“It’s just like, why bother anymore?” said Donna Donatella, the spokesperson for the NC State Department of Transportation. “Half the cars on campus are already either Mustangs or Camaros; might as well unify the campus.”
This comes in regard to NC State’s decision to ban all non-muscle cars on campus late Monday night, after several hours of intense debate on whether or not an ‘87 Pontiac hauls or purrs. The eventual agreement was reached that purring is perhaps too soft a term, with the argument itself taking up six hours and 55 minutes of the allocated meeting time. The decision to institute a mandatory “muscle cars only” policy was made within the first five minutes.
“Look, you’ve got to understand, no matter how many JD Power Initial Quality awards they win, a Chevy just cannot fundamentally compete with the austere craftsmanship of a Mustang. The board wants to fight me on this, but they’re just mad because I was the only one who got to see that sweet ‘78 Firebird on campus this morning,” Chancellor Hotrod said when reached for comment.
After specifying that the question was actually about why the policy about muscle cars was put in place, the chancellor replied rather nonchalantly, “Oh, that? I just figured it was popular demand. What kind of nerd doesn’t want the rush of a V-8, 425 horsepower system with leather interior? It’s the superior car. If your rig doesn’t haul, we don’t want you at all.”
“And yes, haul is the appropriate term,” Hotrod added, his eyes darting with a look of judgement to the sheepish fellow board members standing several feet behind him, admiring a bright red Oldsmobile.
In an official university email, NCSU Transportation clarified several reasons for the policy’s implementation. Firstly, with the vast majority of the student body already driving obnoxiously luxurious, sparkling clean muscle cars, this move will be a natural transition to a unified student body.
The cost of the move is also of very little concern, with the official reasoning being “Eh, whatever. You’re in college, you’ve got cash, right? You’ll be fine. This is fine.”
The email also states that one of the members of the board is “hoping to break some kind of world record — we’re looking into it.”
Rolling out naturally, this policy requires that all incoming freshmen will be required to purchase muscle cars within their first month of residency at NC State, or “walk like a bunch of leather interior-lacking nerds.” Within their first two months, those cars will be required to be refinished with official Wolfpack red exterior paint.
For convenience, the administration plans to destroy literally all of the Brickyard and replace it with a moderately sized auto body repair shop to help students comply with demands. The Atrium will also be adding a new car-themed fast-food outlet named “Taste of Diesel,” a name that is in no way related to the trademarked phrase “Diesel Time” of the “Fast and Furious” franchise.
On a final note, another board meeting will be held Tuesday to decide whether there will be mandatory hood ornaments for each car shaped in the likeness of esteemed coach Jimmy Valvano.
