Disclaimer: The Daily Tar Heel is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.
Since 1991, UNC fans have rallied behind argyle as a lucky pattern on sports uniforms, but recent research shows their beliefs might no longer be so superstitious.
Last month, a UNC graduate cognitive psychologist discovered a rare study conducted in 2009 by several undergraduate students after a series of unusual wins for the UNC basketball team. In their quadruple-blind, blindfolded experiment, inspired by cutting-edge color psychology research from Carnegie Mellon, randomly selected UNC fans were provided with one of two Carolina blue basketball uniforms. Fans then underwent extensive athletic and cognitive testing while wearing the uniforms. The uniforms had varying degrees of argyle, ranked on a qualitative scale from “there’s argyle?” to “ugly sweater contest champion.”
In the end, the study showed a strong positive correlation between argyle levels, heightened balance and agility and problem solving skills. Further testing is underway to fully confirm the results.
“They were remarkable, the results that we obtained,” said Leonard Nikon, a graduate student and research assistant in the experiment. “I only wish that I could have seen the actual testing; those blindfolds were awful.”
The UNC Board of Trustees was so astonished by the original groundbreaking results that they invited Alexander Julian, who originally discovered the lucky properties of argyle, to commemorate their rediscovery. The university made a generous donation of $100,000 to Julian’s beloved haberdashery to fund his up-and-coming argyle section.
“I’ve always knew the design would go places, but never like this,” Julian said. “To see the whole of UNC now backing my lucky fabric is better than asking for new halos: It’s utter honey-dipped ecstasy.”
From fall 2017 on, UNC students will receive a 50 percent discount on all argyle purchases at Julian’s store. In addition, all returning students will receive a complimentary argyle polo to be worn weekly. University officials claim that the polo distribution will be made in an effort to boost university rankings and test performance.
Many incoming freshmen were incredulous when informed about the university’s decision.
“This is an absurd infringement upon our fashion rights,” said Rick Pope, a student at East Chapel Hill High School. “Never have I seen a single person aside from the UNC sports department — y’all look great — forced to wear argyle to that extent.”
University officials plan to call the weekly compulsory-dress day “Argyle-Forward Friday,” a day in which students are encouraged to wear their argyle polos in addition to argyle accessories. Professors will be required to administer all tests on Fridays as well.
“The decision is clear,” said university spokesperson Sharlene Sumner. “Whether or not the design is visually appealing is up to each student’s discernment. Regardless of student opinion, one cannot doubt the incredible results that we’re going to see.”
