Disclaimer: The Daily Tar Hell is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously. 

On Thursday, UNC announced that its acceptance rate for the 2017-18 academic year was far lower than last year’s.

“This data shows an extension of a trend that we at UNC are very proud of,” said Caroline Ram, the dean of admissions for the university. “We are very pleased [with] how increasingly competitive this university has become.”

The university has, in fact, become so competitive that only one high school senior was admitted for the fall semester.

“I got rejected from Duke,” said Stanley Glottis, the only member of UNC class of 2021. “UNC was my second choice, so I guess I’ll go there.”

In high school, Glottis took 37 out of the 38 classes that the college board offers for AP credit.

“AP Birdwatching was pretty hard,” Glottis said. “I slipped up and got a B, but I think I made up for it with my As in AP Aesthetics, AP Astrology and AP Spelunking.”

Glottis reports that he is excited to learn what it is to be a Tar Heel when he enters the university next year as a first-year Canadian studies major.

“I’m really excited to learn a lot of new things in college,” Glottis said. “I’ve heard that at UNC, once you finish studying for your classes, you get to do homework for the members of the greatest basketball team in the country.”

UNC’s competitive admissions did not come without criticism.

“I can’t believe that my daughter didn’t get in [to UNC],” said Alexandra Jones, an over-obsessive mom from Cary. “My daughter was extremely involved at her high school. She got a perfect score on all of her standardized tests. I do not want my daughter going to that farming school down in Raleigh!”

Despite criticism, the university is looking forward to the fall semester.

“Hopefully as we get more and more applications from around the country, we can continue to lower our acceptance rate as our applicants get more competitive,” the university said in a press release. “The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill is very proud of our rich history as the oldest and most competitive public school in the nation.”

“Hopefully the classes of 2022, 2023 and 2024 will exist just in name,” Ram said. “Maybe one day UNC will become competitive enough to start kicking existing students out for not reaching our increasingly competitive standards.”

Glottis was adamant about attending the university.

“I took a tour of UNC to see if I liked it,” Glottis said. “It was like the entire outer world was shut off and people here were living in their own reality. It was amazing.”