Disclaimer: The Daily Tar Hell is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.

I am writing this letter to air my grievances. I was recently affronted by a religious studies major at NC State. I will leave her unnamed for her own sake. We were having a debate on whether delusions of grandeur about one’s superiority were healthy, and as a UNC student, I reminded her that of course they are.

Nonetheless a raucous argument proceeded. This girl had the nerve to inform me that if there was a God, his favorite color could not in fact, be Carolina blue. She explained that this idea is essentially a “nonsensical notion” that we tell ourselves to “feel cool” when “in-fact” empirical data suggests that if God exists in the way that any modern religion describes, his impartial and benevolent nature would prevent him from having a favorite anything. That would apparently extend to UNC.

Needless to say, I was appalled. She said, and I quote, that our “silly saying is factually inaccurate” and “kind of lame.” Then I said to her, “what the hell do you know?” Does she not understand that our school colors are baby blue and white? Just like, you know, the sky! The same blue that brand new baby boys are protected in when they leave their mothers’ wombs. Blue like all of the oceans. Blue like Beyoncé’s daughter. What could be cooler than that? We, Heels, represent the same blue of the blue-birds that sing their bird songs over the Carolina Union every sunrise and white like the craps they take over Fetzer Gym afterwards. The blue of the water in the sacred Old Well and white like all of the phlegm that sits at the bottom of it from our collective spit. Our spit is as beautiful and intelligent as we are and the students at NC State are just jealous of that, OK.

There is no reason to doubt how superior we are in God’s eyes. I mean let’s face it, we’re better in every way.  But do not worry, fellow Heels, I put her in her place. I told her that not only is blue God’s favorite color, but also that he abhors red. What is red? Maybe roses, strawberries and Valentines. Also, the human heart, arteries and blood but is any of that stuff important. Um, no? Well maybe some of it is, but Carolina blue is still a whole lot prettier, I mean come on. This girl then informed me that I was starting to sound “ridiculous”, that I was suffering from an “inflated sense of self-importance and intelligence” and that it “doesn’t actually matter.” I responded by reminding her that if the sanctity of our school’s color, as well as our extraordinary intelligence and importance, are the ONLY things that matter. 

So what if NC State beat us in our last basketball game. WE are number one. Does this girl think we all pledge allegiance to Roy Williams every morning and paint our bodies blue in a show of solidarity with Rameses for nothing? Does she think that many of us have decided to repeat the mantra “I am beautiful and smart, and everyone should know it” over and over before bed for naught. Hell no. This is not a game. We BLEED Carolina blue, we are Carolina blue, God loves Carolina blue and there’s nothing she or anyone else can do about it. In fact, I bet “Hark the Sound” is God’s favorite song.

Carolina blue is sex. Carolina blue is magic. Carolina blue is love. Carolina blue is life. Take that Wolfpack! God likes rams better than wolves too. Keep your heads down guys and don’t listen to the noise. Carolina blue is better and we are better, despite all empirical evidence to the contrary. Rah Rah Car’lina-lina, go Tar Heels!