Disclaimer: The Daily Tar Hell is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.

Hello my fellow Tar Heels, I am a firm believer that we are, in fact, the best university in North Carolina, and in the country and in the world. An irrefutable fact if you ask anyone that goes here, or anyone anywhere. They may not admit it, they may even protest or they may even laugh, but they know deep in their hearts that it’s true. Now, one could say that this widely held belief is a complete delusion of grandeur but I say that one would completely wrong and is probably just jealous. Together, we the students at UNC are all collectively the funniest, most intelligent and sexiest people alive. In celebration of this fact, I have compiled a list of six things that we should be proud of just to remind all of you all, and anyone reading, of just how great we all are.

1. The Old Well: Ahhhh. The beautiful Old Well. Where we all drink, spit and do God knows what else in the off chance that this dated and yes, slightly unsanitary, ritual might bring us any good luck. Any at all. Personally, whenever I drink from the Old Well, I like to hold it in my mouth and savor all of the phlegm, residue and bacteria that is mixed in with that tasty fresh water. Some at other universities may find our tactic a little bit questionable, but they just don’t know what they’re talking about. I mean I don’t know about all of you, but I personally feel that potentially contracting Hepatitis C or some other infectious virus, is worth it for a little UNC™ luck. People who judge us are just jealous that they don’t have an old storied well to sip from. I suggest they come on over to our campus, and give the water a try. Maybe some of our greatness will rub off on them!
2. Davie Poplar: If there is anything we UNC students have to be proud of its Davie Damn Poplar. I mean just lookat that tree. You see, Davie Poplar is a tulip tree located on UNC’s campus. It is named after our university’s founder, William Richardson Davie. Old Poplar, as I personally like to call it, is one of our university’s most noted and lauded attractions, a fact that isn’t at all sad or desperate. No! It’s gorgeous. It’s tall, it’s brown, it has leaves, a bird’s nest in it, all of the factors of … well the average tree! But do not be saddened by that, Heels. You see it’s our tree, and we have decided that it is actually special, so it is. My favorite part about Old Poplar is the way it completely shades me from the sun when I sit under it! Or, how in the fall, the leaves change colors and fall on the ground. It’s a sight to behold. When this happens, sometimes I’ll actually pick some of the leaves up off the ground and eat them. Then Davie Poplar’s greatness is literally inside me. Hmmm delicious! I suggest you try it. I once had a friend come to visit our campus and when I took her to McCorkle to see the tree in question, she actually asked me, “Um, which tree is it again?” I was shocked and a little offended she didn’t spot it immediately, but when I pointed it out she exclaimed, “Oh, sure, that’s cool.” Another example of a person absolutely floored by our campus’ illustrious history and beauty.
3. Roy Williams: ‘Nuff said. Am I right? I thought so. Our basketball team and its coach are one of our shining accomplishments, and I will never lose faith in them. Ever. Seriously, I promise. Who cares if we just lost our last games with NC State and Duke? We will beat them again! Or at least I hope.
4. Liberal Indoctrination: Fellow Heels, in my opinion there is no better echo chamber than our echo chamber. It’s no secret that we go to a very liberal university. Whether it’s by professors or peers, students can come here knowing they will get a full dose of Democratic politics spoon fed to them on a regular basis. Now some of the more moderate and conservative students may oppose the more progressive ideas we loudly champion, and while I am a clear proponent of free speech and understanding, I literally couldn’t care less. HA! Hahahaha. Yes, I love our cocoon of progressive ideology so dearly. It brings me so much comfort, even though it won’t necessarily resemble the rest of the world that I will be forced to inhabit post-graduation. Too bad everyone isn’t a Tar Heel.
5. Intelligence: Not only is our campus filled with incredible attractions, we shine the most where it matters — intelligence. We here at UNC are known for being smart! We make sure to remind ourselves, and anyone else, of this fact at any given opportunity. Now some at other schools could call this arrogance, but I choose to call it self-esteem. No matter how vehemently untrue some say this is, I’m here remind you that we’re all, indeed, the smartest people in the universe. I mean if we don’t tell ourselves, who else will? Probably no one.
6. Secret traditions: Now here at UNC we have various secret traditions, that those outside of our campus may not be privy to. My absolute favorite is one we keep very, very hidden. I love the days that we all get together, paint our bodies Carolina blue, sing the national anthem and line dance in an ode to alumnus and President James K. Polk. Hey — who said the path to our greatness wouldn’t get a little weird?