Disclaimer: The Daily Tar Hell is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.
As Student Government elections are finally sweeping their way across our majestic argyle campus, we here at The Daily Tar Hell remain devoted to the democratic process created by our founding father, Michael Jordan. The fliers are drenching bulletin boards and the websites have outstayed their due, but ultimately it the responsibility of you, the electorate, to submit to the wishes of the candidates and cast your ballots in favor of the individual that you want to call your student body president.
Just as it is the responsibility of an electorate to vote, it is the job of a free press to inform and educate the public. We, The Daily Tar Hell, take this responsibility incredibly seriously and pledge our dedication to a process that works by the students and for the students. With these sentiments in mind, it is with great pride that we hastily put forth our annual endorsement of the candidate that we believe will push Carolina to new heights.
We endorse not having an election, and instead giving Carolina a year to take some time to find itself.
A quick glance at all of the campaign websites proves that he truly no candidates are right for the job. While the other candidates have filled their campaign platform with empty promises, none has chosen to write their platform in the Na’vi language. Since we at The Daily Tar Hell only can read the words of the blue Avatar people, since their visual complexion matches the color that we bleed, we have zero knowledge about what the candidates truly stand for.
Furthermore, the current state of Student Government is reminiscent of the infamous Red Wedding, which is an understatement for how bad it truly is because Robb Stark is The Daily Tar Hell’s collective favorite. While we profit off of the page views that happen when we cover the stuff that went wrong in the election every day, ultimately by choosing not have elections at all, we have the ability to get you to focus much more on our Swerve content.
The election of a student body president is unquestionably the most important duty of any college-aged human being, and this year should theoretically be no exception. While all of the candidates may pander for your quantitative support by making blind campaign promises, we at The Daily Tar Hell encourage you not refrain from giving into Student Government and spit all over the notion of blind promises, giving the middle finger to the Morehead-Cains that are vying frivolously for your vote.
Bernie Sanders or Tyler Hansbrough may not be on the ballot this year, therefore we should just stay home instead of voting. There are so many shortcomings this election cycle, catalyzed by the Supreme Court intervention, that on election day, The Daily Tar Hell encourages you to say no to voting because we, the most famous and best college newspaper in the history of print (and Swerve) journalism, think you should take our opinion on this. Do what we tell you, because we know more than you do. It’s time for Carolina to take a little bit of time for itself.
The unsigned editorial is the opinion of the majority of Daily Tar Hell’s editorial board, and its the responsibility of the editor-in-chief.
