God has given me a revelation — I think. Last week, I wrote that people were idiots. As it turns out, some divine force has told me I was wrong. The simple truth is a little more digestible: people are simply crazy.

Take, for instance, the unfolding drama of the modern Tea Party movement. These are the people, as noted in a New York Times article, who think President Barack Obama is a socialist Muslim who is leading the country into the Apocalypse, as predicted by the Mayans — a people, who, mind you, are definitely NOT good Christians — in 2012. Unfortunately, this prediction did lead to something terrible: the movie “2012,” which I have been told only to see if I would like to pour acid on my eyes or allow something to slowly eat my brain.

However, as calm, non-crazy people have pointed out, the likelihood of the Mayans being able to see thousands of years into the future to predict the end of time is virtually impossible. Though to be fair to the conspiracy theorists, I believe the Mayans may have been able to correctly predict that the movie based on the end of their calendar would, in fact, ruin John Cusack’s career.

But let’s not live in the past. Let’s look forward, not backward, and return to looking at the craziness known as the Tea Party. Despite the Tea Party’s animosity towards socialist programs, members tend to support things like Social Security and Medicare, believe they pay a fair share of taxes and send their children to public schools, as shown in the New York Times. By the force of logical rigor and the equation Einstein famously derived (E-squared equals mass squared times the speed of light to the fourth power), the Tea Party must annihilate whenever it encounters socialist programs, like Social Security, Medicare and public schools.

Think about it: if we assume the Tea Party and its members are the opposite of socialism and socialist programs, then they are analogous to matter and antimatter as predicted by Einstein. If these two ever meet, they must annihilate each other and produce an amount of energy as predicted by the above equation.

Thus, since we live in a crazy world, I am obligated to point out that I may have discovered a brilliant solution to the impending energy crisis and, by necessity, the global warming associated with the excessive use of fossil fuels that fuels the crisis. All we need now is to find a way to use the energy created in these various annihilations to create electricity. Couple that with a way to find a constant way to create Tea Parties and force them to encounter socialism and we shall have a limitless supply of energy. Someone call Stockholm and have them mail me my Nobel Prize, please.

But I jest, of course — such a plan is so very unethical it would somehow be linked by one of my fellow crazy Americans to abortion or class warfare, or some other “hot-button” issue mainstream Republicans would detest.

And here’s the saddest part: I’ve just briefly discussed the crazy surrounding the Tea Parties. I haven’t even mentioned their crazy attempts to start armed militias to protect us from the evil — the ever-growing federal government! Forget the fact that such a justification for an armed militia is the very thing that inspired Timothy McVeigh to detonate a truck bomb in front of the Alfred P. Murrah Building 15 years ago — NRA! Guns! Sarah Palin calling for us to reload!

And there you have it, folks. A teaspoon of crazy from the vast ocean of wingnut America. Just wait till I get to supermarket tabloids…