A recent fad in online journalism features a host of articles listing what fashion trends men hate. To be clear, these are not men’s fashion trends, but women’s.
The most popular come from prestigious journalism outlets such as The Huffington Post, Beauty Riot and Complex.
These types of articles catch a lot of flak. Some argue it’s because women can wear whatever they choose and should not have to deal with men’s scrutiny. Women do not dress for men, but for themselves.
That’s a fair point, and it may be why these articles receive a lot of bad attention. But it’s more likely these articles come under fire because they do not offer any fashionable alternatives.
Below are a few fashion choices women should consider if they really want to impress the fellas.
- Tights
Men love tights. We especially love full-body tights. Preferably, you women have whole closets dedicated to tights of a single color or design. This way, you can wear the same outfit plenty of days in a row without having to worry about much wear and tear. However, getting some long-lasting, fireproof tights could save you plenty of money. Plus, the general public tends to recognize people better when they wear the same outfit day after day.
- Belts
Ladies, if you really want to distract the sexually frustrated guys sitting next to you in class—because apparently that’s your fault—try wearing some belts. Unlike tights, you can mix and match belts on a day-to-day basis.
They key to a good belt is mastering the art of simultaneous conspicuousness and subtlety. You want everyone to see how cool your belt is, but you don’t want anyone to see all the neat tools and weapons you’re concealing within. That way you can leave a little something to the imagination.
- Armor of some sort
Whether your tights are enough armor, or you sport some metal shoulder pads and chest plates, armor is essential. Most guys don’t like clothes that leave you open and exposed, as it is known to activate latent sexual desires within them on which they can’t help but act.
The important thing about armor is that it matches your tights and that it is functional. You need to be able to run in it, and it needs to be able to defend you from bullets, explosions and creepy guys.
- Headwear
This one is pretty important. Headgear of some sort will be the most important article of clothing insofar as keeping the general public from discovering your true identity.
Sometimes, headgear can be as simple as a tiara or some glasses—but not non-prescription because men definitely hate those and will think you’re a total try-hard. Other times, headgear has to get a little more elaborate. Men love those black masks that just cover the eyes almost as much as they love replica Phantom of the Opera masks.
Other notable headwear could be one of those horse masks that everyone seems to own or the classic, rubber Richard Nixon mask.
Whichever piece of headwear you choose, it’s important to wear it every time you go out in public.
- Capes
Now, this one is just my personal opinion, and a lot of the fellas disagree with me on this, but: Real women wear capes.
The cape can be the same color as the armor and tights or can be a complementary color. Either way, it has to flow elegantly and has to protect from fire and other attacks.
Feel free to rip off the cape whenever confronted by an enemy, as it makes for some wonderful dramatic tension.
Ladies, if you follow this advice, you’ll impress the men in no time. And, hopefully, they’ll stop thinking their preferences are so important and valued that they need to devote countless articles to telling you what to wear.
