Virginity is a prevalent topic within all age groups; typically, questions tend to arise past puberty. It can make a lot of people uncomfortable due to the stigma around it or for personal reasons. However, we should all remember it is entirely a societal construct that was cultivated centuries ago during ancient Greek and Roman times and early Christianity in the 18th century.
Therefore, we should all make an effort to progress forward. We need to start supporting everyone in their sexual journey, as it should be each individual’s choice of when to experience anything sexually at any age. That goes for any physical intimacy such as kissing someone for the first time or anything else.
I learned about the historical context behind virginity in societies around the world in one of my favorite courses, COM 498: Sexual Communication with Dr. Kami Kosenko. I will never forget learning the absurdity of its origin for the first time. So many jaws dropped in that lecture, including mine.
The concept of virginity was developed particularly within the Christian community to identify women who were worthy of marriage. In Christian communities, virgins were viewed as a gift from God to a husband.
The fact that women who had sex were seen as dirty and a dishonor to their families at the time should not have persisted into nuanced ways in today’s society. In those times, alarmingly dangerous virginity tests became popular.
In various cultures, they would check to see if womens’ hymens were still intact via dangerous and certainly highly invasive ways — again, insanity if you ask me. If the hymen was determined to still be intact, they were safe and labeled marriageable. If not, they were in danger and would not be allowed to marry as impure women.
Virginity testing is still around today to determine women who are high-value potential partners for men in many countries. This is despite the fact that there is absolutely no evidence to support the validity of these tests. There is no scientific or biological way to determine if a woman is a virgin. Also, not all virgins have hymens.
The rapper T.I. reportedly brings his own daughter to the gynecologist annually for each birthday to ensure she is still a virgin with hymen checks. The fact that he refuses to fully acknowledge this just shows how unacceptable and disgraceful his actions are.
According to the United Nations, virginity testing is still performed within the law in at least 20 countries as of 2018. It is typically performed by doctors, police officers or community leaders of women and girls. This just boils my blood — it should for everyone.
Unfortunately, it seems as though there’s no way to avoid the stigma around virginity in general. Whether you lose it when you’re younger, perhaps in high school or, to societal standards, at an older age in college or later in life, you will receive some kind of judgment.
Additionally, the vernacular used regarding virginity is mostly negative and focused on how men are the ones responsible for taking womens’ virginity. Phrases or words typically used that still hold this negative undertone include losing it, taking one’s virginity, the popping of a cherry, tainted after no longer being a virgin and many more. This language is insulting, unfair and, frankly, antiquated.
Certainly, people can and should be able to choose to remain virgins until marriage, until they find someone they feel safe with or until they just want to have sex for the first time.
What’s not OK is shaming people for any of those personal choices. For example, telling someone to just lose it already or shaming them for having sex at all is absurdly inappropriate and not helpful.
Even if you are lucky enough to have supportive loved ones around you, the societal pressure placed on virginity is enough to stress anyone out. No one should add to that pressure. Sexual experiences should always be consensual, safe and fun; let’s start making sexual communication the same. Let’s leave no room for shame, guilt or discomfort if we can help it.
