Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
Conrad Funkle, practicing white Rastafarian and junior studying civil engineering, attracted the attention of University Police last night when he lit up a blunt while sitting cross-legged in the middle of the Brickyard.
Senate Bill 313, passed a few weeks ago, made industrial hemp legal in North Carolina and caused Funkle to assume he could now smoke pot … you know, wherever. University Police kindly escorted Funkle from the premises, refraining from violence even when Funkle threw a few punches when they confiscated his just-rolled marijuana cigarette.
Industrial hemp and marijuana are not the same thing. Funkle did not know this. He claims he still does not know this.
“Miley Cyrus would never lead me wrong,” he said while enjoying some “sick munchies” — a bowl of Fritos, mild cheddar cheese, M&M’s and mayonnaise microwaved for 30 seconds.
Carl Friday, Funkle’s equally dank roommate, lamented, “The government has no right to take away what God planted on this Earth. It’s natural, it’s beautiful, it’s green for Heaven’s sake. Excuse me.”
Friday stood up and ran to the bathroom, presumably to vomit.
Joellyn Williams, organizer of last week’s on-campus protest for marijuana legalization, said of the situation in the Brickyard, “It’s absurd. These ridiculous people are running around, angry that they can’t get high whenever they want, not being punished for whatever hell breaks loose in their wake — meanwhile, thousands of African-Americans rot in prison on minor possession charges.”
According to the NAACP, while only 12 percent of drug users in the United States are African-American, they make up 59 percent of those imprisoned for drug offenses. According to Friday and Funkle, these statistics fail to reflect the persecution white marijuana users face on a daily basis.
“People look at my locs and assume I’m dirty,” Friday said, “when, in fact, I shower every day.”
“On top of that,” Funkle added, “whenever I tell people that my favorite movie is ‘Cool Runnings,’ they act like I’m out of my mind. Don’t judge me by what I look like; I’m as hard as anyone else. I don’t think it’s true that anyone has it more or less bad than anyone else. I just don’t see color.”
Upon being reminded that black people are sentenced prison time for drug offenses at 10 times the rate of white people, Funkle said, “Like, I have a black friend. Even maybe two.” Friday nodded his head in agreement.
Fellow potheads are mourning the polite dismissal of their brave leader Funkle from the Brickyard. Olivia Graham, Funkle’s girlfriend, arranged a memorial surrounding the ashes from Funkle’s repossessed blunt. The makeshift shrine featured printed clipart of marijuana, Funkle’s high school senior portraits, a tasteful glass bong and, yes, a DVD copy of “Cool Runnings.”
Graham said of the events, “What people don’t understand is that stoners do have their own culture. They do hurt when the things they love are taken away from them. They do feel pain. Even when they’re high.” She sniffled. “Sorry, I’m really confused right now. Can you point me back home?”
Williams urged students not to take part in the upcoming vigil.
“It’s nonsensical. Hemp is not the same thing as marijuana. It never has been. It’s still illegal to smoke marijuana in North Carolina, and Conrad honestly should have been more harshly punished than he was.”
Upon hearing Williams’ comments, Funkle and his groupies shouted, “Narc!”
