Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
In the next few weeks, NC State’s very own Kappa Omega Omega Lambda will be combining their tremendous philanthropic efforts with their pledge process in a new and innovative project called Razing Hope.
When asked about the legitimacy of the self-named FUNraiser and the predicted impact of Razing Hope, pledge Louis Gumption raised both arms in the air, hands wolfed, and let out a warrior yell. He went on to say, “Yeah, I think it’ll do some good. For KOOL, for the children, all of it.”
His eyes then took a certain hardness to them, and they seemed to be fixed on something foreboding in the distance.
Gumption further explained that the recent pledges will be tarred and feathered—wait for it—with $1 bills. And, well, tar. In a take on old hazing rituals, the pledges will then be chased down by their future brothers. Whatever amount the brothers are able to pry from the sticky bodies of the pledges will be donated to the charities of their choice.
“Fraternities are getting such a bad rap these days,” Gumption lamented. “What have the incidents at Alabama, Kansas, Utah, West Virginia, Yale, Arizona, Indiana and Duke got to do with us? Did I get all of them? And OK, there was Pi Kappa Phi, but that’s almost a coincidence.”
Fraternity Pi Kappa Phi was disbanded at NC State in March due to a number of (“Allegedly!” Gumption added) racist, sexist and generally offensive remarks written in a pledge’s book.
In regard to these recent events coming to light, President of KOOL, Joseph “Broseph” White, said, “Yeah, you know. Stuff’s gonna happen. We can’t do anything about it. Like, people like to say every frat’s a bad frat.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets. “That’s such a broad generalization. PC nonsense. We’ve never gotten in trouble for anything.”
And that statement is correct. The accusation that Kappa Omega Omega Lambda spiked their punchbowl at parties was dismissed last February after White emphatically said that it was not true.
“Have we ever given people a reason not to trust us?” White asked bitterly.
President White mentioned that with the Razing Hope campaign, KOOL hopes to make at least enough money to both feed a malnourished child for a year and build an addition to the house. He remarked, “We give so much back to the community—socially, financially, looks-wise—that we felt we could also feel free to, you know, give back to us. Danny and Ragdoll, they have to share a bathroom! And you know how difficult it is to share such an intimate space with someone else.”
Razing Hope’s commencement was to take place on Oct. 31, but was postponed so as to not conflict with the tailgating schedules of the brothers who would be attending the Clemson game.
