The stockings might be hung on your chimney with care, but if your holiday season is anything like that of millions of other Americans, visions of long retail lines, overstayed welcomes and killer traffic will be dancing through your head while snug in your bed. Not to mention the uncomfortable feeling of having the shallow consumerism that runs through the veins of our society shoved down your throat at every commercial break. Oh, I jest — I love Christmas as much as the next poor sop, because I’ve learned how to handle all the things that make others cringe.

So have no worries my friend. I’ve got some tips for you on how to make the holiday pass smoother than two pints of prune juice. As Technician‘s unofficial resident scientist, I’ve appropriately tied these tips to various realms of the natural and applied sciences that they might (questionably) occupy.

Thermodynamics: As the old adage goes, ’tis better to give than to receive. While the holiday season isn’t all about gifts, only a foolish man would assert that gift giving is not a major aspect of the holiday culture. Whether you have the mindset of a seven-year-old or that of his grandparent in terms of the ratio of incoming to outgoing loot, you’d be wise to keep the second law of thermodynamics in mind.

If two systems are in contact but not in thermal equilibrium, temperature differences will tend to even out over time by one system giving another system “gifts,” such as entropy, various types of energy and boxed sets of Kenny Rogers collections. Unless you happen to be Maxwell’s demon incarnate, if you plan on receiving presents from friends and family you’ll want to go ahead and lower your body temperature relative to that of your contacts.

You might roll around some in the snow (I’ve got my fingers crossed y’all) butt-naked during Advent and you should see quite a pile of gifts grow around the bottom of your tree. Of course, if the thought of shoving ice up your crack leaves you feeling uncomfortable, maybe you’d be better off practicing generosity this holiday season and should spend the next few weeks in the sauna.

Quantum Mechanics: Speaking of gifts, I might recommend a strategy for getting just about anything you want for Christmas based on the cruel thought experiment utilized on Schrödinger’s Cat. If the contents of your presents are effectively isolated from the outside world (for example, covered in wrapping paper), their contents are unknown and exist as a superposition of all possible states of the system. Before you open up that mysterious box from your cousins, socks, a Playstation 3, keys to a new car, sweater vests and a myriad of other goods exist in a probabilistic entanglement of the eigenstates of the consumer goods wave function.

So don’t open that box up my friend! Leave it be and let the endless possibilities swirl around in a mindless maelstrom of probability. You own everything in the world, and it’s in that box as long as you don’t know exactly what is in it. Just don’t give into the temptation of shaking the present or sneaking a peak through a torn corner of the wrapping paper. By measuring the system you could change the outcome of the result, and you’ll likely end up with a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle.

Chemical Engineering: After a semester of college, nothing can bore like an extended and often alcohol-reduced stay with the family. In order to counteract that, I’d recommend keeping close at hand a couple of “additives” that will spice up any traditional holiday beverage when enjoyed responsibly.

First, a flask of bourbon whiskey will work wonders on a glass of eggnog or warm apple cider. For added fun, make sure to share with your grandparents while your folks are out of the room. You’ll also want to carry some strong Russian vodka with you on long excursions to crowded shopping malls (as long as great-grandma is driving, of course) to ward off that biting December chill which, incidentally, is a result of radiational cooling in the atmosphere.

Finally, keep on hand a store of some sort of liquor that spells out your ethnic descent with which you will impress your extended family. I’m loosely of Italian descent, so I’ll grab myself a decent bottle of amaretto, or maybe some limoncello. If you’re Irish, make it a whiskey; English, some Pimm’s no. 1 cup; Japanese, maybe a bottle of Sake. If you happen to be a descendant of Appalachia, a few jars of moonshine ought to do the trick. You get the picture.

Hopefully these quick pseudoscientific tips will bring some more enjoyment to your holiday season. Whatever happens, have a safe and a wonderful Christmas!

E-mail Kenneth at viewpoint@technicianonline.com.